I realized a little while ago that I have rules for a lot of things. This list encompasses my vacation rules. You can thank me later after you've had a rockin' vacation that you won't soon forget.
1. Do not eat at a restaurant that you have back home
In my opinion, when you are on vacation--be it to Erie, PA or Athens, Greece--you need to savor the unknown. Living in WNY, we have a distinct disadvantage in the way of chain restaurants. We have your Applebee's, McDonald's, etc. but we lack a Golden Corral, Jack in the Box, and, much to my everlasting shame--a Sonic Drive-In. We are also missing a ton more, but you get the point. Maybe it's because our local food rules and we don't need to feast at Golden Corral's artery clogging trough or perhaps it's because we are loyal to the restaurants we like. Whatever the reason, it is frustrating for those of us who are tired of choosing between McDonald's, BK, or Wendy's when we feel like some dang chicken nuggets. Therefore, when you are out of town and your options are Burger King or Weinerschnitzel--take the leap and investigate the unknown. You may enjoy the delights of Olive Garden, but what about that local Italian joint you just passed? You get my drift. You can eat Arby's whenever you dang well please, but you can't get breakfast food at 11 pm at Whataburger any time you want.
2. Vacations are not for sleeping
Unless you are taking a stay-cation, there isn't a reason why you should be sleeping-in while on vacation. You are in a place you can't get to everyday, so get out there an enjoy it. I will be the first one to tell you that sleeping-in is God's creation that we all should enjoy--but even I will suspend that belief while on vacation. If you don't need a vacation after your vacation, then you haven't been traveling correctly. It's not everyday you can ride Space Mountain or hike a sweet trail so get out there and do it, my friend.
*My thanks to Uncle Bob for this rule*
3. Sent a postcard
If you are out of town for a long enough stretch of time where a postcard could reach it's destination before your vacation is over, then send one! Since no one actually mails letters anymore, you may as well let someone know you are at least thinking about them while on vacation. Sub rule: don't pick one that says "Florida!" with monkey's jet skiing. Instead, pick one with an ocean view, a local landmark, or a bizarre roadside attraction. Everyone knows you didn't see monkeys jet skiing, but at least they will know that you were cool enough to stop by the World's Largest Ball of Twine.
4. Don't post pictures of your food
The only time this rule may be broken is if your food is totally exquisite or creatively presented. Did you burger come on a cow-shaped bun? Post that puppy on facebook. Are you eating jumbalaya in New Orleans? No one cares.
5. Buy a souvenir for yourself
You may think you will remember your whole, amazing vacation when you get home, but chances are you will remember that you threw up after a roller coaster, not how neat the old-fashioned theme of the amusement park was. Pick up something that encapsulates your trip. No need to stock up, but grab a magnet or a postcard (see above) to remind you of the awesome time you had--when you weren't puking into a garbage can.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, December 17, 2012
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
Let's face it--there are a lot of bad Christmas songs out there. Restraining myself to five is no easy task. While I love the holidays, every year pop culture tends to bring more annoying-ness into the mix. Leaving aside the terribly sappy Lifetime/Hallmark movies and the Bob Rivers novelty songs, there is a lot of Christmas crap. Therefore, let us separate the sheep from the goats...
1. "Baby It's Cold Outside"--performed by various artists, most notably Bing Crosby & Doris Day
I'm not going to lie, I don't totally hate this song and still enjoy it from time to time. At one point it may have been one of my favorite AND THEN I LISTENED TO THE WORDS. I now affectionately refer to this piece as "The Christmas Date-Rape Song." Wikipedia says that when this song was composed, the two parts were to be sung "between two people, marked as 'mouse' and 'wolf.'" You can claim this song was written in a more innocent time, but even the composer knew that what we are dealing with here is a good old-fashioned sexual harassment. Let's take a look at some of the more lovely lyrics, shall we (with comments by me in italics)?
Wolf: Beautiful what's your hurry? (you're a creep--that's my hurry)
Mouse: My father will be pacing the floor, so really I better scurry...well maybe just a half a drink more (I'm trying to be polite but really I want to get the hell out of here)
Wolf: Put some records on while I pour. (How about "Go to Hell" by Alice Cooper or perhaps "Creep" by Radiohead)
Mouse: The neighbors might think (that I'm being kidnapped because I'm going to scream any minute)
Wolf: Baby it's bad out there (It's worse in here)
Mouse: Say.. what's in this drink? (Hint: Ecstasy)
Wolf: Your eyes are like starlight now (That's the drugs kicking in--get off)
Mouse: I ought to say no, no, no sir (But I can't because I've been slipped something)
Wolf: Mind if move in closer? (Yes)
Mouse: At least I'm gonna say that I tried (*Here is where she gives into her fate and lets it happen, because this was written in 1944 and no one was going to believe this girl was raped--she was "asking for it," after all*)
Mouse: The answer is no (No means no--even in WWII America)
Mouse: Say lend me a coat? You've really been grand. (Thanks for stealing my coat asshole...and for raping me...it was "grand" but now I'm getting the hell out of here)
Wolf: How can you do this to me? (Because you've used a snowstorm to your nefarious purposes, that's why)
Wolf: If you caught pneumonia and died! (You'd love that, because then you won't have to smash my skull in so I won't talk--I will just die of "natural causes" out in the snow WITHOUT MY COAT)
2. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
This is Paul at his cheese-ball worst. "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime" is repeated no less than 14 times, and I'm sure Paul would have crammed more in there if he could. Aside from the refrain, this song has about 10 different words. It's inane and lame and annoying and I hate it.
3. "Do They No It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
No they don't because they live in Africa and are probably Muslim or something. Therefore, THEY DON'T CARE IF IT'S CHRISTMAS! That's like them singing "Do they know it's Ramadan?" No, we don't know when Ramadan is and I doubt anyone in Band Aid cares. Western-centric, pompous American bull crap.
4. "My Favorite Things" by Julie Andrews
THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. THE MENTION OF SNOWFLAKES AND STRUDEL DOES NOT MAKE THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG. STOP REFERRING TO IT AS ONE.
5. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John
First of all, how does one "step into Christmas?" Secondly, how lame is it that he kicks off this jam with "Welcome to my Christmas song"? Well, thank you, Elton--I didn't know this was a Christmas song. It's not like it was in the title or anything. And while the admission to Christmas might be free, your concerts still cost $300+ to attend. No wonder he's one happy little elf.
1. "Baby It's Cold Outside"--performed by various artists, most notably Bing Crosby & Doris Day
I'm not going to lie, I don't totally hate this song and still enjoy it from time to time. At one point it may have been one of my favorite AND THEN I LISTENED TO THE WORDS. I now affectionately refer to this piece as "The Christmas Date-Rape Song." Wikipedia says that when this song was composed, the two parts were to be sung "between two people, marked as 'mouse' and 'wolf.'" You can claim this song was written in a more innocent time, but even the composer knew that what we are dealing with here is a good old-fashioned sexual harassment. Let's take a look at some of the more lovely lyrics, shall we (with comments by me in italics)?
Wolf: Beautiful what's your hurry? (you're a creep--that's my hurry)
Mouse: My father will be pacing the floor, so really I better scurry...well maybe just a half a drink more (I'm trying to be polite but really I want to get the hell out of here)
Wolf: Put some records on while I pour. (How about "Go to Hell" by Alice Cooper or perhaps "Creep" by Radiohead)
Mouse: The neighbors might think (that I'm being kidnapped because I'm going to scream any minute)
Wolf: Baby it's bad out there (It's worse in here)
Mouse: Say.. what's in this drink? (Hint: Ecstasy)
Wolf: Your eyes are like starlight now (That's the drugs kicking in--get off)
Mouse: I ought to say no, no, no sir (But I can't because I've been slipped something)
Wolf: Mind if move in closer? (Yes)
Mouse: At least I'm gonna say that I tried (*Here is where she gives into her fate and lets it happen, because this was written in 1944 and no one was going to believe this girl was raped--she was "asking for it," after all*)
Mouse: The answer is no (No means no--even in WWII America)
Mouse: Say lend me a coat? You've really been grand. (Thanks for stealing my coat asshole...and for raping me...it was "grand" but now I'm getting the hell out of here)
Wolf: How can you do this to me? (Because you've used a snowstorm to your nefarious purposes, that's why)
Wolf: If you caught pneumonia and died! (You'd love that, because then you won't have to smash my skull in so I won't talk--I will just die of "natural causes" out in the snow WITHOUT MY COAT)
2. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
This is Paul at his cheese-ball worst. "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime" is repeated no less than 14 times, and I'm sure Paul would have crammed more in there if he could. Aside from the refrain, this song has about 10 different words. It's inane and lame and annoying and I hate it.
3. "Do They No It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
No they don't because they live in Africa and are probably Muslim or something. Therefore, THEY DON'T CARE IF IT'S CHRISTMAS! That's like them singing "Do they know it's Ramadan?" No, we don't know when Ramadan is and I doubt anyone in Band Aid cares. Western-centric, pompous American bull crap.
4. "My Favorite Things" by Julie Andrews
THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. THE MENTION OF SNOWFLAKES AND STRUDEL DOES NOT MAKE THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG. STOP REFERRING TO IT AS ONE.
5. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John
First of all, how does one "step into Christmas?" Secondly, how lame is it that he kicks off this jam with "Welcome to my Christmas song"? Well, thank you, Elton--I didn't know this was a Christmas song. It's not like it was in the title or anything. And while the admission to Christmas might be free, your concerts still cost $300+ to attend. No wonder he's one happy little elf.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Top 5 Inventions in Which Their Inventors Deserve Every Penny They Make
Some inventions are pointless (pet rock, I'm talking about you), some are handy but we could live without them (ahem, Snuggie),and some were so revolutionary they have changed the world as we know it (the Internet, etc.) But there are some that are so completely awesome (and necessary) that whoever invented them deserves every penny they make. I don't care if they have 12 houses around the world and sleep in a 24 carat gold bed--they flippin' deserve it. While there are many such inventions on my list, here are five that immediately come to mind:
1. Band-Aids
Before the Band-Aid was invented, do you know what we used to cover our boo boos? PLASTER. Oh yeah. The same stuff we now use to patch holes in walls was lovingly wrapped around our finger to stem the flow of flood. I can't imagine much air got in there and it probably smelled nasty. How many times have you needed a Band-Aid and one couldn't be found? So there you are, stuck somewhere with a bloody knuckle, knee, etc. and are dying for one. You can thank whoever invented this awesome thing because without it, our cuts would be covered with a lot less sterility.
2. Staple Remover
I add this to the list because I literally just used one. Ever had to remove a staple without one? It kills your nails and can take forever if you are working with a thick stack of papers or an industrial-strength staple. Trust me, every office should have one.
3. Post-Its
Paperclips work when you want to temporarily attach one paper to another, but they fail to exude the urgency that a Post-It Note does. Also, you can't paperclip a note to the bathroom mirror to remind yourself to run to the pharmacy after work. They can stick anywhere (if you buy the real Post-Its and not the knockoff brands) and they have a ton of cool colors. Like I said earlier, they declare a sense of urgency or need of attention that a plain white piece of paper doesn't. What says "LOOK AT ME!" like a bright pink piece of paper...possibly shaped like a butterfly?
4. Anti-bacterial Hand Gel
Kills germs=genius. Only downside I know of is super germs can develop because they become accustomed to the hand gel...I don't know...I just know that it's awesome and smells yummy.
5. Buttons
Before zippers and Velcro, there were buttons. I have no idea how long ago they were invented, but without them we would be holding our pants up with rope like the Beverly Hillbillies.
1. Band-Aids
Before the Band-Aid was invented, do you know what we used to cover our boo boos? PLASTER. Oh yeah. The same stuff we now use to patch holes in walls was lovingly wrapped around our finger to stem the flow of flood. I can't imagine much air got in there and it probably smelled nasty. How many times have you needed a Band-Aid and one couldn't be found? So there you are, stuck somewhere with a bloody knuckle, knee, etc. and are dying for one. You can thank whoever invented this awesome thing because without it, our cuts would be covered with a lot less sterility.
2. Staple Remover
I add this to the list because I literally just used one. Ever had to remove a staple without one? It kills your nails and can take forever if you are working with a thick stack of papers or an industrial-strength staple. Trust me, every office should have one.
3. Post-Its
Paperclips work when you want to temporarily attach one paper to another, but they fail to exude the urgency that a Post-It Note does. Also, you can't paperclip a note to the bathroom mirror to remind yourself to run to the pharmacy after work. They can stick anywhere (if you buy the real Post-Its and not the knockoff brands) and they have a ton of cool colors. Like I said earlier, they declare a sense of urgency or need of attention that a plain white piece of paper doesn't. What says "LOOK AT ME!" like a bright pink piece of paper...possibly shaped like a butterfly?
4. Anti-bacterial Hand Gel
Kills germs=genius. Only downside I know of is super germs can develop because they become accustomed to the hand gel...I don't know...I just know that it's awesome and smells yummy.
5. Buttons
Before zippers and Velcro, there were buttons. I have no idea how long ago they were invented, but without them we would be holding our pants up with rope like the Beverly Hillbillies.
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