The Attack of the Italian Spider Whore

Day: August 10, 2013
Where: Welland, Ontario, Canada

11:35am Rapelje Lodge Activity Room: Blogger spots a GIANT spider crawling across floor and demands that paternal figure squash it with all due haste.  Paternal figure tentatively approaches MASSIVE spider from the side and steps on it with his clog-clad foot.  Out from GIANT spider emerges several tiny smaller versions of what we now was a COLOSSAL mama spider.  Maternal and paternal figures as well as this respected Blogger recoil in disgust.  Blogger demands paternal figure to promptly kill spawn of GINORMOUS mama spider.  Paternal figure fumbles to find a paper towel, is successful, and proceeds to kill baby spiders.  Declares that he has "done the lodge a favor" by ridding it of this vicious spider foe.

actual size

11:45am Rapelje Lodge Activity Room:  When grandpaternal figure is asked the name of his sisters, he finishes his list by saying that the latter named sister "sometimes gave it" and "sometimes didn't."  Since grandpaternal figure speaks 85% Hungarian, this declaration was made all the more epic.

11:58am Rapelje Lodge Nurses Station: En route to determining lunch time, this Blogger was accosted by an Italian lady. Lady asks this Blogger's name and whether or not she is married.  When blogger responds in the negative, she is then asked if she has a boyfriend.  Blogger is quick to tell Italian lady that she does not, and high-tails it back to the now spider-free Activity Room.

12:02pm Rapelje Lodge Lunch Room: Aforementioned Italian lady is awaiting her lunch and asks aforementioned Blogger her name and marital status.  Blogger again responds that she is free of the bonds of matrimony and finds the more preferred company of her grandpaternal figure.  Blogger is grateful she only has to answer these questions when she is around old people, as they seem to think it is their duty to congratulate you on your wedded bliss or respond "good, you don't need one" when you disabuse them of this notion.

12:30pm Shopper's Drugmart: Blogger finds a sweet pair of Kermit the Frog ear bugs AND headphones on clearance.

While memories of MASSIVE mama spider will continue to haunt this Blogger and her family for the rest of their lives, Kermit has managed to save the afternoon.

Top 5 Artists I Happily Stumbled Upon

You know how you think you know all the cool music that's already out there and then one day--BAM--you hear something that just blows your mind?  I'm not talking about new stuff that is played on the radio or is featured in People or whatever.  I mean music that has been around and you were so smug with your current tastes that you didn't know it existed.  A happier alternative is that it is a little-known artist and YOU DISCOVERED THEM!  Without any help from the radio or People!  These are the top 5 artists that I discovered somewhat accidentally and have been crazy enamored with them since.


5. Yeasayer
www.yeasayer.net
They had a brief mention in an issue of Nylon magazine so I made a playlist with other bands they mentioned (see #1) and voila!--Yeasayer!  They are a super awesome band that combines pop, electronic, and god knows what to create this moody, beautiful music.  Odd Blood is the album that got me hooked and remains my favorite (though their others are delightful).  My favorites include "Madder Red" and "I Remember."

4. The Two Man Gentlemen Band
http://www.thetwogentlemen.com/
While browsing Grooveshark one day, I got to thinking about presidents named after presidents that might be out there.  One of the best I found was "William Howard Taft" by The Two Man Gentlemen Band.  Needless to say this song is genius.  The band combines old-style Americana ragtime with a love of American History, and this song is a perfect example to highlight Taft in all his beefy glory.  Some of their other songs include: "When Your Lips Are Playing My Kazoo," "Me, I Get High On Reefer," "Heavy Petting," and "Stuff Your Ballot Box."  I can't help but laugh when I listen to these songs, which prompted my mom to ask me last night "What are you watching out there?"  My reply: "Nothing, just listening to something and laughing to myself."

Oh, William Howard Taft
Had a great big smile and a great big laugh
A great big belly, great big thighs that
Slapped together when he walked by

Measured in clean at a quarter ton
Made the oval office just fit for one
Oh, you can't squeeze nothin' past
William Howard Taft

Oh, William Howard Taft
Got himself stuck in a bath
It took the Secret Service and the police to
Pry him out with a tub of grease

He had a steak dinner for the King of Spain
But nobody got a thing to eat
Because you can't sneak nothin' past
William Howard Taft

3. Kate Miller Heidke
www.katemillerheidke.com
She was opening for Steven Page when I first saw her.  Usually people show the opening act a modicum of attention but she just electrified the crowd.  Most known for "The Facebook Song," her repertoire also includes the heartfelt "Caught in the Crowd," the quirky "Can't Shake It," and the ethereal "Last Day on Earth."  After she was done, the lobby was crowded with people waiting to buy her albums and get her autograph.  Not too bad for someone that most people probably hadn't heard of it 45 minutes earlier.

2. Wanda Jackson
www.wandajackson.com
I bought the soundtrack to Rock n Rolla when Borders was going out of business for, like, $2.00 because The English Beat was on it.  Along with a killer song by The Sonics, I happened upon "Funnel of Love" by Wanda Jackson.  Eager to see what else this rockabilly mama did, I discovered a treasure trove that is her catalog and was hooked.  I love her high-pitched voice, her growl when singing something naughty, and her "women kick-ass" attitude that must have been shocking when it was released in 1956.  Other goodies include "Hot Dog! That Made Him Mad," "Riot in Cell Block No. 9," and "Fujiyama Mama."  In recent years, this gal has released other albums including The Party Ain't Over which is amazing and only goes to show that attitude and greatness does not age.

1. Shuggie Otis
shuggieotisofficial.net
Also found while reading Nylon, I instantly became addicted to Shuggie.  Made while he was in his teens in the 1970s and son of legend Johnny Otis, Shuggie is a talent that is, in my opinion, unmatched by any of his age at the time.  "Strawberry Letter 23" is what hooked me, but tracks like "Sweet Thang" and "Freedom Flight" left me searching for every Shuggie album I could get my hands on.  He recently re-released his album Inspiration Information along with his first new material in years and is playing Austin City Limits this summer.  So if you want to mellow out and have your mind blown, drop the needle on an album by this fly cat and enjoy.


You're welcome.

Top 5 Weird Presidential Facts

Our former presidents have been a lot of things: badass, wussy, handicapped, genius, and just plain nutso.  So, relax and enjoy these delightful tidbits of presidential knowledge.

5. President Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender and co-owned a saloon in Springfield, Illinois.
As if this dude needed to be cooler.

4. President Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve as a hangman. 
As the sheriff of Erie County, New York, he had the delightful pleasure of hanging two poor souls.  Way to represent Western New York, Grover.

3. Presidents Thomas Jefferson and John Adams are vandals.
While visiting Shakespeare's birthplace, Stratford-Upon-Avon, they both took knives to one of the bard's chairs in order to have a little sliver of wood as a souvenir.  Though if anyone is going to do this, it may as well be two of the greatest legal writers in American history.

2. President Ulysses Grant smoked at least 20 cigars a day.
He died of throat cancer--no lie.  Also, his name was Ulysses, which is pretty damn cool.

1. President Warren G. Harding liked to do it...in small spaces.
Apparently Warren liked to make the beast with two backs with a young girl in a White House closet.  The Secret Service even had to stop Mrs. Harding from breaking down the door once while they were in there.  Makes Bill Clinton look like a saint...almost.