It's Halloween and that means candy, punny costumes, and hearing 'Monster Mash' every 10 minutes on the radio. If you're looking to inject some literature into your Halloween, look no further than these five positively terrifying parodies of classic children's books.
5. The Runaway Mummy
by Michael Rex, Puffin Books, $6.99, ISBN: 9780142421215, Paperback
Once there was a little mummy who wanted to run away,
"If you run away," said Mother Mummy, "I will get you! For you are my
rotten little mummy!"
"If you try and get me," said the little mummy, "I will turn into a
sea monster that lurks at the bottom of the sea."
4. The Very Hungry Zombie
by Michael Teitelbaum, Skyhorse Publishing, $14.95, ISBN: 9781620871829, Hardcover
A blood-red moon shown
down on a corpse that lay
rotting beneath the ground.
At the crack of dawn, on a Sunday morning,
out of a grave crawled a
horrifically hungry zombie.
He started to hunt for fresh, juicy
humans to snack on.
On Monday, he devoured one astronaut.
But he found himself in a gaseous atmosphere.
3. Goodnight Goon
by Michael Rex, G. P. Putnam's Books for Young Readers, $15.99, ISBN: 9780399245345, Hardcover
Good night skull
And good night shoe
Goodnight creature
Goodnight goo
And goodnight to the old werewolf hollering "Boo."
2. Frankenstein
by Rick Walton, Feitwel & Friends, $14.99, ISBN: 9780312553661, Hardcover
In a creepy old castle
all covered with spines,
lived twelve ugly monsters in two crooked lines.
1. Pat the Zombie
by Aaron Ximm, Ten Speed Press, $11.99, ISBN: 9781607740360, Paperback
In the not too distant future, the MST3K reboot will be coming to Netflix. Everyone who has ever watched the show knows that cultural references abound and are the backbone of the show's humor. Arguably, more references are made to other television shows or movies, but there are enough literary references to go around. In what I think is one of more ingenious inventions presented in the Invention Exchange, Joel and the bots present "Cereal Novels," where a book is attached to a cereal box. Because, seriously, how often do you find yourself reading the same crap on your cereal box?!
"You can start your day eating Lucky Charms, while reading Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow. It's magically obscure!"
Well, until MST3K is back we have the original series, Rifftrax, and this here list of five books I think the Satellite of Love would have on their bookshelf.
Sorry, one of them is not The Pelican Brief, because, clearly, they already have that.
5. Minnesota Mayhem
by Ben Welter, The History Press, $19.99, ISBN: 9781609495978, Paperback
The first season of MST3K aired on Minneapolis on KMTA in 1988, so it goes without saying that references to Minnesota abound, not to mention creator Joel Hodgson's native Wisconsin.
"Oh yah, ya gotta dress for it, don't ya know."
4. Robot Builder's Bonanza
by Gordon McComb, McGraw-Hill, $30.00, ISBN: 9780071750363, Paperback
Why can't Joel and Mike stop the torture of sitting through all of these terrible B-movies, you ask? The answer is in the theme song, "He used those special parts to make his robot friends." So it goes to reason that some knowledge of basic robotics would be required, ergo, this book.
3. Waffles: Sweet, Savory, Simple
by Dawn Yanagihara, Chronicle Books, $16.95, ISBN: 9781452107035, Hardcover
I'll let Joel and the bots explain their love of waffles, because, after all, they do it best...
"Oh my god, my waffle! Oh the humanity!"
2. Everything You Need to Know About Snakes
by DK Publishing, $15.99, ISBN: 9781465402462, Hardcover
One of the most iconic lines in MST3K history comes in Season 5, Episode 6 with "Eegah." Starring the swarthy Arch Hall, Jr. and the larger-than-life Richard Kiel, this line is not actually spoken by anyone in the film--which is why Joel and the bots make a joke about it for the rest of the series.
"Who said that?"
So next time you're traipsing through the desert in your business suit or scuttling around in your dune buggy, remember to watch out for snakes!
You said it, Arch Hall, Jr., you said it.
1. The Art of the B-Movie Poster
edited by Adam Newell, Gingko Press, $39.95, ISBN: 9781584236221, Hardcover (coming in October 2016)
I think it's safe that, while the movies may be terrible, the posters are pretty stinkin' beautiful.
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Because I seriously love this show and want you to appreciate it too, here are some of my favorite lines from the show...
Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson may not be a fan of the library...
but his bookshelf is probably stocked with these Swanson-approved titles:
5. The New Case for Gold
by James Rickards, Portfolio, $26.00, ISBN: 9781101980767, Hardcover
Ron's belief in the value of gold is prevalent throughout the series and his hiding places are intricate and nearly impossible to find.
"I've heavily invested in gold which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee...or have I?" <sneaky look to camera>
4. The Wealth of Nations
by Adam Smith, Modern Library, $26.95, ISBN: 9780679424734, Hardcover
Ron Swanson's love of America is legendary and, after all, what's more American than capitalism?
"Capitalism is the only way. It's what makes American great, England okay, and France terrible."
3. My Best Mathematical and Logic Puzzles
by Martin Gardner, Dover Publications, $5.95, ISBN: 9780486281520, Paperback
How much does Ron Swanson love solving riddles? I'll let him tell you...
"I hate riddles and other such nonsense, I want that on the record."
2. The Furniture Bible: Everything You Need to Know to Identify, Restore & Care for Furniture
by Christophe Pourny, Artisan, $35.00, ISBN: 9781579655358, Hardcover
"After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band-saw, a spoke-shave, and an oscillating spindle sander."
1. Man Up!: 367 Classic Skills for the Modern Man
by Paul O'Donnell, Artisan, $14.95, ISBN: 9781579653910, Paperback
Above all, Ron Swanson is a man's man and he doesn't take kindly to weakness...
"Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons."
Click here for more Parks and Rec children's book covers.
