#1-5. "The Ft. Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce" by Elvis Presley
CLASSIC
(and by "classic" I mean "excessively lame")
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Top 5 Models I Don't Care to See Anymore
These models are there, staring me in the face, every time I find myself at my place of employment. It has gotten to the point where my lip literally curls when I see them. Enjoy...but please don't or you will be subject to a lip curl.
5. Worst haircut award
Whoever let this girl out of the house looking like this should be fired because it looks like a 4 year old cut her hair. It's either that or she got gum stuck in it right before the shoot and they had to hack it out. No other explanation is valid for a haircut this terrible.
4. Most likely to win a staring contest award
Do not challenge her to a staring contest--I have and have lost EVERY TIME. When she's not staring into your soul, she's busy looking intimidating while trying to sell gym clothes. My suggestion is to just admit defeat and buy whatever she is selling.
3. Best fake pose award
I call them the "Fake Pose Trio" because more staged poses I cannot conceive. Every time I'm forced to look at this, I find all kinds of wrong with their body language and shudder at the fact that someone thought these poses were good enough to run a GIANT AD of them.
2. Princess of sweat award
She's a little too dewy for my liking. Dewy-ness aside, it looks like she would go as a cat every year for Halloween. I don't know why but I find it easy to imagine her with whiskers and cat ears.
1. She will kill you award
Her look of disgust suggests that only a dumb-ass would not buy what she is selling. Ergo, buy whatever it is she's hawking or she WILL kill you--and she won't be merciful.
5. Worst haircut award
Whoever let this girl out of the house looking like this should be fired because it looks like a 4 year old cut her hair. It's either that or she got gum stuck in it right before the shoot and they had to hack it out. No other explanation is valid for a haircut this terrible.
4. Most likely to win a staring contest award
Do not challenge her to a staring contest--I have and have lost EVERY TIME. When she's not staring into your soul, she's busy looking intimidating while trying to sell gym clothes. My suggestion is to just admit defeat and buy whatever she is selling.
3. Best fake pose award
I call them the "Fake Pose Trio" because more staged poses I cannot conceive. Every time I'm forced to look at this, I find all kinds of wrong with their body language and shudder at the fact that someone thought these poses were good enough to run a GIANT AD of them.
2. Princess of sweat award
She's a little too dewy for my liking. Dewy-ness aside, it looks like she would go as a cat every year for Halloween. I don't know why but I find it easy to imagine her with whiskers and cat ears.
1. She will kill you award
Her look of disgust suggests that only a dumb-ass would not buy what she is selling. Ergo, buy whatever it is she's hawking or she WILL kill you--and she won't be merciful.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Top 5 Cities in the U.S. with Television Names
In the ongoing saga of weird and wonderful U.S. city names, this post's theme is: TELEVISION! Whether or not these cities were named before the television show was on the air, they are now forever associated with pop culture. They can gripe about their names or they can cash in--my advise is the latter.
1. Bonanza, Oregon
Population: 415 (as of 2010)
While the population of this city may make it sound lame, it's wikipedia page actually sounds like the opposite. The median age of Bonanza residents is 31--while the median age of people who still watch the show "Bonanza" is 67. Also, the city is nowhere near where the show took place, as you can see by the BONANZA opening title above.
2. Matlock, Washington
Population: Sporadically populated by loggers
While Matlock, Washington is just an "unincorporated community," the actual television show "Matlock" is well incorporated into the hearts and minds of geriatrics everywhere. It makes me wonder why more people don't live there. You'd think some old dude puttering along in his Oldsmobile would see a sign for Matlock, Washington and immediately go into hyper mode and gun it all the way there. Unfortunately all the old coot would see is lakes and some loggers. There is however, the Old Timer's Fair in May--the city name has spoken! Old people of the world unite!
3. Twin Peaks, California
Population: Unknown--they were all trapped in snow globes and couldn't take the census.
Their motto should be: Twin Peaks, California: Where Everything is Just a Dream
4. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's Superman on "Truth or Consequences"!
Population: 7,289 (as of 2000)
This town sounds like it should still be stuck in the radio days and everything is in black and white--a little like Pleasantville. Their crime rate is non-existent, everyone says "golly gee," and the town is 99.5% white (except for the guy that pumps your gas or buses your table).
5. Becker, Minnesota
Population: 4,538 (as of 2010).
The city is populated with cranky doctors and sassy, female diner owners. "Little people" are bad luck there as the cranky doctors find them bad luck: "All midgets are bad luck, whenever I see one, something bad happens to me." Watch out for sex addicts named "Bob"--they may lure you in with their good cooking, but there is danger lurking underneath. Other than that, you should have no problem making friends, as blind African Americans and helpful nurses are there to lend an ear to your sorrows.
1. Bonanza, Oregon
Population: 415 (as of 2010)
While the population of this city may make it sound lame, it's wikipedia page actually sounds like the opposite. The median age of Bonanza residents is 31--while the median age of people who still watch the show "Bonanza" is 67. Also, the city is nowhere near where the show took place, as you can see by the BONANZA opening title above.
2. Matlock, Washington
Population: Sporadically populated by loggers
While Matlock, Washington is just an "unincorporated community," the actual television show "Matlock" is well incorporated into the hearts and minds of geriatrics everywhere. It makes me wonder why more people don't live there. You'd think some old dude puttering along in his Oldsmobile would see a sign for Matlock, Washington and immediately go into hyper mode and gun it all the way there. Unfortunately all the old coot would see is lakes and some loggers. There is however, the Old Timer's Fair in May--the city name has spoken! Old people of the world unite!
3. Twin Peaks, California
Population: Unknown--they were all trapped in snow globes and couldn't take the census.
Their motto should be: Twin Peaks, California: Where Everything is Just a Dream
4. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's Superman on "Truth or Consequences"!
Population: 7,289 (as of 2000)
This town sounds like it should still be stuck in the radio days and everything is in black and white--a little like Pleasantville. Their crime rate is non-existent, everyone says "golly gee," and the town is 99.5% white (except for the guy that pumps your gas or buses your table).
5. Becker, Minnesota
Population: 4,538 (as of 2010).
The city is populated with cranky doctors and sassy, female diner owners. "Little people" are bad luck there as the cranky doctors find them bad luck: "All midgets are bad luck, whenever I see one, something bad happens to me." Watch out for sex addicts named "Bob"--they may lure you in with their good cooking, but there is danger lurking underneath. Other than that, you should have no problem making friends, as blind African Americans and helpful nurses are there to lend an ear to your sorrows.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Top 5 U.S. Cities Named After Animals
So this list started out as a list of weird city names, but I quickly discovered that it's impossible to choose just five since there are literally hundreds of messed up names. Therefore, here are U.S. cities named after God's creatures.
Population: 934 (as of 2000)
Fun Fact: Huckleberries are a big business in Hungry Horse, Montana.
Population: unknown
Fun Fact: The Home of Toad Suck Daze, an annual community music, arts, and food festival.
Location: North Slope of Alaska near the Arctic Ocean.
Population: 25-50 people
Fun fact: Featured on seasons 3 and 4 of History Channel's "Ice Road Truckers"
*most information found on en.wikipedia.org*
1. Lizard Lick, North Carolina
Location: Center of the state, east of Raleigh
Population: unknown
Fun fact: In March 1998, the small town received publicity when Nintendo first released the Nintendo 64 game, "Yoshi's Story" there, with the name of the host
town reflecting the Nintendo character Yoshi's ability to extend his tongue over a long
distance.
2. Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky
Location: Far northwest point of Kentucky
Population: unknown
Fun Fact: It is considered the north-westernmost point of the Jackson Purchase.
3. Hungry Horse, Montana
Location: Northwest corner of the statePopulation: 934 (as of 2000)
Fun Fact: Huckleberries are a big business in Hungry Horse, Montana.
4. Toad Suck, Arkansas
Location: Middle of the state on the Arkansas RiverPopulation: unknown
Fun Fact: The Home of Toad Suck Daze, an annual community music, arts, and food festival.
5. Deadhorse, Alaska
Location: North Slope of Alaska near the Arctic Ocean.
Population: 25-50 people
Fun fact: Featured on seasons 3 and 4 of History Channel's "Ice Road Truckers"
*most information found on en.wikipedia.org*
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Top 5 Ways I'm Discriminated Against for Being "Young"
First of all, people, just because I am under 30, does not mean that I am an imbecile. As a lady does not reveal her age (and those who know me already know it), I am not a teenager spouting angst against society. I am simply voicing (or typing) my opinions as I see them. I am not alone in my opinions, so comment below if you agree! Psst...family and friends...my birthday is coming up...presents...psst...
1. Assuming I don't know what life without modern technology is.
Believe it or not, I have used the items below and know how they work.
--A rotary phone
--A television with a tube/TV that sits on the floor
--A TV without a remote
--A record player
--A typewriter
--A phone with a really long cord
2. Assuming I was born with a cell phone in my hand.
When I was in high school no one had cell phones. I repeat, NO ONE. I haven't had a cell phone strapped to my hip since inception. I only got a cell phone because I was living away from home and needed a means of communication. I didn't even want one!
3. Talking to me like I am an idiot.
Just because I am 20 years younger than you, does not give you the right to talk down to me. I have a brain, a college degree, and some common sense. Instead of talking to me as you would a 10 year old child, treat me as an equal and we will get along better.
4. I am not addicted to video games.
My spare time is not spent playing Halo, Mario Kart, or Guitar Hero. Others my age may spend their free time in this manner, but I prefer to read. Therefore, my mind is not mush and I have a lot to offer to a conversation.
5. I have used a card catalog--and still know how to use one.
Most of my early school years were spent using a card catalog to find books. While the computer was a welcome innovation in library science, I have researched "the old fashioned way" and still prefer to do so.
So, what have we learned here? Just because a person is younger than you, does not mean they were born into technological privilege and do not appreciate the technology of the past. It means that we know the way things were, how they are now, and are looking forward to what comes next.
1. Assuming I don't know what life without modern technology is.
Believe it or not, I have used the items below and know how they work.
--A rotary phone
--A television with a tube/TV that sits on the floor
--A TV without a remote
--A record player
--A typewriter
--A phone with a really long cord
2. Assuming I was born with a cell phone in my hand.
When I was in high school no one had cell phones. I repeat, NO ONE. I haven't had a cell phone strapped to my hip since inception. I only got a cell phone because I was living away from home and needed a means of communication. I didn't even want one!
3. Talking to me like I am an idiot.
Just because I am 20 years younger than you, does not give you the right to talk down to me. I have a brain, a college degree, and some common sense. Instead of talking to me as you would a 10 year old child, treat me as an equal and we will get along better.
4. I am not addicted to video games.
My spare time is not spent playing Halo, Mario Kart, or Guitar Hero. Others my age may spend their free time in this manner, but I prefer to read. Therefore, my mind is not mush and I have a lot to offer to a conversation.
5. I have used a card catalog--and still know how to use one.
Most of my early school years were spent using a card catalog to find books. While the computer was a welcome innovation in library science, I have researched "the old fashioned way" and still prefer to do so.
So, what have we learned here? Just because a person is younger than you, does not mean they were born into technological privilege and do not appreciate the technology of the past. It means that we know the way things were, how they are now, and are looking forward to what comes next.
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