Top 5 Inventions in Which Their Inventors Deserve Every Penny They Make

Some inventions are pointless (pet rock, I'm talking about you), some are handy but we could live without them (ahem, Snuggie),and some were so revolutionary they have changed the world as we know it (the Internet, etc.)  But there are some that are so completely awesome (and necessary) that whoever invented them deserves every penny they make.  I don't care if they have 12 houses around the world and sleep in a 24 carat gold bed--they flippin' deserve it.  While there are many such inventions on my list, here are five that immediately come to mind:

1. Band-Aids
Before the Band-Aid was invented, do you know what we used to cover our boo boos?  PLASTER.  Oh yeah.  The same stuff we now use to patch holes in walls was lovingly wrapped around our finger to stem the flow of flood.  I can't imagine much air got in there and it probably smelled nasty.  How many times have you needed a Band-Aid and one couldn't be found?  So there you are, stuck somewhere with a bloody knuckle, knee, etc. and are dying for one.  You can thank whoever invented this awesome thing because without it, our cuts would be covered with a lot less sterility.


2. Staple Remover
I add this to the list because I literally just used one.  Ever had to remove a staple without one?  It kills your nails and can take forever if you are working with a thick stack of papers or an industrial-strength staple.  Trust me, every office should have one.

3. Post-Its
Paperclips work when you want to temporarily attach one paper to another, but they fail to exude the urgency that a Post-It Note does.  Also, you can't paperclip a note to the bathroom mirror to remind yourself to run to the pharmacy after work.  They can stick anywhere (if you buy the real Post-Its and not the knockoff brands) and they have a ton of cool colors.  Like I said earlier, they declare a sense of urgency or need of attention that a plain white piece of paper doesn't.  What says "LOOK AT ME!" like a bright pink piece of paper...possibly shaped like a butterfly?

4. Anti-bacterial Hand Gel
Kills germs=genius.  Only downside I know of is super germs can develop because they become accustomed to the hand gel...I don't know...I just know that it's awesome and smells yummy.

5. Buttons
Before zippers and Velcro, there were buttons.  I have no idea how long ago they were invented, but without them we would be holding our pants up with rope like the Beverly Hillbillies.

My Tireless Pursuit to Rid the World of Inanity

While God wasn't looking, certain people decided to spread the evil word and get us humans hooked on terrible, terrible works of "literature."  Back in the 19th century, ladies were addicted to the Gothic romance novel.  They read about the pursuit of love, even if it meant fighting demons, searching a haunted house, or, even better, adventures on the foggy moors of England.  Women (and some men) loved these books, while their elders believed that they caused the girls to be "flippant" or "silly."  Parents wouldn't let their daughters read them in the fear that it would "excite their womb" (I'm not kidding).  Though, they still got their hands on them, they had to do it on the sly, lest Daddy find out.  Now, girls proudly strut into a bookstore and load up on all kinds of mindless garbage.  Some organizations out there may protest that they are corrupting the minds of our youth, but instead of curbing the enthusiasm, it just seems to add fuel to the fire.
I am talking, of course,about the with the cursed, inane, and absolutely tragic examples of female-centric literature.  Keep in mind, this is the same group of people that read Gothic romances 200 years ago.  Now instead of masked highwaymen saving the damsels in distress, we have an anemic, sparkly vampire resisting the sexual advances of a milquetoast moron.  Instead of danger around every corner of a haunted catacomb, we have a sadistic madman chaining a barely-legal to God knows what for fun.  These books seem to prove the elders of the 19th century right when they say that it "excites the womb."  I can't tell you how many people have used the aforementioned books to spice up their love life and (occasionally) get pregnant.  No joke.  The poorly written, thin-plotted, S&M novel that everyone is all gaga over has actually given some women ideas.  While my hatred for sparkly vampires will be the subject of another post, I will now discuss how a certain trilogy has heated the libidos of women of almost all ages.
I've been reading romance novels since I was about 14.  I thank my darling cousin for buying one for me as a joke from the dollar store--"Steal Me, Sweet Thief."  Hundreds of cookie-cutter romances later, and I'm still reading them.  I am in no way claiming that these are works of high literature, written by some of the greatest minds of our time, but they know they aren't winning a Pulitzer for them.  My point is, whatever is in said S&M trilogy cannot in any way, shape, or form be different from the thousands of erotic romance novels out there.  Go visit my bookshelf, I guarantee that you will find something much more titillating.  The great thing about a lot of erotica is that it doesn't try too hard to have a story line.  The one thing I have heard about this S&M novel is that there was too much sex and the story line was thin.  If this book is such a great read, shouldn't it excite your mind instead of your womb?  If you want to write an erotic novel, then just do it.  Some of the best erotica I've ever read don't have complex story lines.  The characters have issues, but they aren't important.  The books are written to excite ladies and give us a taste of sexuality without having to read "Letters to Penthouse."  There is some depraved stuff out there and if you think said S&M "masterpiece" is anything different, I have a few books to show you...and S&M is only the beginning.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND READ SOMETHING OF VALUE, LADIES.  SOMETHING LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, LITERATURE?

May As Well Get Something Out of It

If you are going to sit in a chair, similar to one found in your elementary school nurse's office, have a hollow needle jabbed in your skin, and willingly hand over a pint of your own bodily fluids, I say you should get something out of it.
I was having the worst work day ever and the Red Cross Bloodmobile was parked outside the office.  Never having given blood because I was convinced I was a slow bleeder, I decided I would rather face my fears and get drained than sit at my desk a second longer.  Out to the portable vampire I went and was surprised to find out that it wasn't that bad.  I was even more delighted to find out that I got to inhale mounds of cookies and juice like a kindergartner at snack time.  "Take some with you!"  the nurses told me, probably not realizing that I would make off with enough mini juice cans to satisfy my sister's lust for cranberry juice for a week.  I also may have confiscated a half dozen Lorna Doone's and some raisins...
My point is, I'm giving up my time and blood, so I'm going to take advantage of what their handing out.  Once I got a free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee and another time a free oil change (which I never used, but that's beside the point).  So if your hesitant about giving blood, wait until you get a free t-shirt or an awesome coupon.  That way, it's not a total loss--bodily and monetarily.
The main reason I kept going back to the Bloodmobile while I worked at The Fortress of Doom was not because of the free cookies, however.  I got to escape for at least an hour while enjoying raisins and finding out what my blood pressure was (cheaper than the doctor!).  Sometimes I milked it longer because no manager is going to tell you that you can't go give blood--even the trolls of The Fortress weren't that cruel.  No one can say no to volunteering, it's not ethical.  It's like they are guaranteed a donkey ride to hell if they deny you.  So, the perks are as follows:
1) Get out of work (if you have a Bloodmobile)
2) Free cookies
3) Free juice
4) That pink arm bandage that shows to everyone else that you were an awesome person today and gave blood.
5) The nurses tell you to not exercise for the next few hours since you may still be weak from giving blood--don't have to tell me twice!

In essence, if you're giving something, you should get something.  Selfish?  Probably.  But I'm doing them a favor.  Also, I have two months of phone calls demanding more of my blood to look forward to.  Tit for tat, Red Cross, tit for tat.