Let's face it--there are a lot of bad Christmas songs out there. Restraining myself to five is no easy task. While I love the holidays, every year pop culture tends to bring more annoying-ness into the mix. Leaving aside the terribly sappy Lifetime/Hallmark movies and the Bob Rivers novelty songs, there is a lot of Christmas crap. Therefore, let us separate the sheep from the goats...
1. "Baby It's Cold Outside"--performed by various artists, most notably Bing Crosby & Doris Day
I'm not going to lie, I don't totally hate this song and still enjoy it from time to time. At one point it may have been one of my favorite AND THEN I LISTENED TO THE WORDS. I now affectionately refer to this piece as "The Christmas Date-Rape Song." Wikipedia says that when this song was composed, the two parts were to be sung "between two people, marked as 'mouse' and 'wolf.'" You can claim this song was written in a more innocent time, but even the composer knew that what we are dealing with here is a good old-fashioned sexual harassment. Let's take a look at some of the more lovely lyrics, shall we (with comments by me in italics)?
Wolf: Beautiful what's your hurry? (you're a creep--that's my hurry)
Mouse: My father will be pacing the floor, so really I better scurry...well maybe just a half a drink more
(I'm trying to be polite but really I want to get the hell out of here)
Wolf: Put some records on while I pour. (How about "Go to Hell" by Alice Cooper or perhaps "Creep" by Radiohead)
Mouse: The neighbors might think
(that I'm being kidnapped because I'm going to scream any minute)
Wolf: Baby it's bad out there
(It's worse in here)
Mouse: Say.. what's in this drink?
(Hint: Ecstasy)
Wolf: Your eyes are like starlight now
(That's the drugs kicking in--get off)
Mouse: I ought to say no, no, no sir (But I can't because I've been slipped something)
Wolf: Mind if move in closer? (Yes)
Mouse: At least I'm gonna say that I tried (*Here is where she gives into her fate and lets it happen, because this was written in 1944 and no one was going to believe this girl was raped--she was "asking for it," after all*)
Mouse: The answer is no (No means no--even in WWII America)
Mouse: Say lend me a coat?
You've really been grand. (Thanks for stealing my coat asshole...and for raping me...it was "grand" but now I'm getting the hell out of here)
Wolf: How can you do this to me?
(Because you've used a snowstorm to your nefarious purposes, that's why)
Wolf: If you caught pneumonia and died!
(You'd love that, because then you won't have to smash my skull in so I won't talk--I will just die of "natural causes" out in the snow WITHOUT MY COAT)
2. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
This is Paul at his cheese-ball worst. "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime" is repeated no less than 14 times, and I'm sure Paul would have crammed more in there if he could. Aside from the refrain, this song has about 10 different words. It's inane and lame and annoying and I hate it.
3. "Do They No It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
No they don't because they live in Africa and are probably Muslim or something. Therefore, THEY DON'T CARE IF IT'S CHRISTMAS! That's like them singing "Do they know it's Ramadan?" No, we don't know when Ramadan is and I doubt anyone in Band Aid cares. Western-centric, pompous American bull crap.
4. "My Favorite Things" by Julie Andrews
THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. THE MENTION OF SNOWFLAKES AND STRUDEL DOES NOT MAKE THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG. STOP REFERRING TO IT AS ONE.
5. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John
First of all, how does one "step into Christmas?" Secondly, how lame is it that he kicks off this jam with "Welcome to my Christmas song"? Well, thank you, Elton--I didn't know this was a Christmas song. It's not like it was in the title or anything. And while the admission to Christmas might be free, your concerts still cost $300+ to attend. No wonder he's one happy little elf.
No comments:
Post a Comment