Top 5 Places You Will Never Find Me

Have I gone missing?  Did I run away from home to become a hobo?  If so, I can assure you, I did not escape to any of these places.

1. A Hookah Bar
I revile pot in every way, shape, and form.  If want me to leave your house post haste, break that shit out and I'm gone.  Though hookah bars don't serve pot (at least not in New York), to me hookah=pot-smoking device.  Therefore, sitting on a dirty floor, on a dirty pillow, sharing a pipe with people I wouldn't even share my Pepsi with is not my idea of fun.  "But it's just flavored tobacco!," you whine?  Is that supposed to make me feel better?  I'm not going to go buy cherry cigars, so what makes you think I'm going to pay to smoke some nasty bubbling crap that supposedly tastes like it?  Leave hookah's to the caterpillars, my friend.

2. The state of Utah
Utah is the only place that would accept Joseph Smith.  Why? Because no one else flipping lived there.  Therefore, why would I want to go somewhere that New York, Missouri, and Illinois didn't want?  Answer, I wouldn't.  They scare me: period.  I'd rather go to hell than Utah.

3. A Republican convention of any kind
A room full of white dudes and deluded old people is my idea of the second circle of Hell.   I'd like to see those old people get around without their Medicaire-paid scooters or those white dudes retire without Social Security or health benefits. Then we'll see who is still at aforementioned convention.

4. A Dave Matthews Band Concert
The same rules apply here as in #1.  I hate pot, so I will not be hanging out with a bunch of high, dirty hippies screaming "DMB!! Wooo!!". There are two kinds of people in this world: the ones like me who can't stand Dave Matthew Band and those who love them to the point of obsession.  You've seen them with those stupid stickers on their cars and you want to rear end them just as much as I do.

5. An NRA convention
If I was given the choice between an NRA convention or watching a bear fight, I will watch bears rip each others eyes out all day (p.s. I don't condone bear-baiting).  An NRA convention is a bunch of old white dudes screaming about the Second Amendment.  Newsflash: this isn't 1776, so you don't need your musket to protect your kin against the red coats.  The Constitution has been adapted, has evolved, and has been adjusted to fit our changing society and the Second Amendment doesn't get to be exempt from that.


You can agree or not, but you've read this far.