Top 5 Underrated Christmas Songs

Last year I aired my grievances against the worst  Christmas songs that have been churned out but this year it's time for some positivity (something I rarely say).

1. "Fairytale of New York"--The Pogues
Nothing says Christmas like ending up in a drunk tank and calling each other nasty names.

2. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight)"--The Ramones
Because, let's face it, no one wants an argumentative Christmas but everyone wants to spend it with The Ramones.

3. The entire "Three Ships" album--Jon Anderson
Masterpiece from start to finish.

4. "Riu Chiu"--The Monkees
I don't understand the words but it's divine nonetheless.

5. "The Christmas Song"--Weezer
Are they on this list because they're my favorite band? Yes. Does this song also kick Christmas ass? Heck yes.

The Attack of the Italian Spider Whore

Day: August 10, 2013
Where: Welland, Ontario, Canada

11:35am Rapelje Lodge Activity Room: Blogger spots a GIANT spider crawling across floor and demands that paternal figure squash it with all due haste.  Paternal figure tentatively approaches MASSIVE spider from the side and steps on it with his clog-clad foot.  Out from GIANT spider emerges several tiny smaller versions of what we now was a COLOSSAL mama spider.  Maternal and paternal figures as well as this respected Blogger recoil in disgust.  Blogger demands paternal figure to promptly kill spawn of GINORMOUS mama spider.  Paternal figure fumbles to find a paper towel, is successful, and proceeds to kill baby spiders.  Declares that he has "done the lodge a favor" by ridding it of this vicious spider foe.

actual size

11:45am Rapelje Lodge Activity Room:  When grandpaternal figure is asked the name of his sisters, he finishes his list by saying that the latter named sister "sometimes gave it" and "sometimes didn't."  Since grandpaternal figure speaks 85% Hungarian, this declaration was made all the more epic.

11:58am Rapelje Lodge Nurses Station: En route to determining lunch time, this Blogger was accosted by an Italian lady. Lady asks this Blogger's name and whether or not she is married.  When blogger responds in the negative, she is then asked if she has a boyfriend.  Blogger is quick to tell Italian lady that she does not, and high-tails it back to the now spider-free Activity Room.

12:02pm Rapelje Lodge Lunch Room: Aforementioned Italian lady is awaiting her lunch and asks aforementioned Blogger her name and marital status.  Blogger again responds that she is free of the bonds of matrimony and finds the more preferred company of her grandpaternal figure.  Blogger is grateful she only has to answer these questions when she is around old people, as they seem to think it is their duty to congratulate you on your wedded bliss or respond "good, you don't need one" when you disabuse them of this notion.

12:30pm Shopper's Drugmart: Blogger finds a sweet pair of Kermit the Frog ear bugs AND headphones on clearance.

While memories of MASSIVE mama spider will continue to haunt this Blogger and her family for the rest of their lives, Kermit has managed to save the afternoon.

Top 5 Artists I Happily Stumbled Upon

You know how you think you know all the cool music that's already out there and then one day--BAM--you hear something that just blows your mind?  I'm not talking about new stuff that is played on the radio or is featured in People or whatever.  I mean music that has been around and you were so smug with your current tastes that you didn't know it existed.  A happier alternative is that it is a little-known artist and YOU DISCOVERED THEM!  Without any help from the radio or People!  These are the top 5 artists that I discovered somewhat accidentally and have been crazy enamored with them since.


5. Yeasayer
www.yeasayer.net
They had a brief mention in an issue of Nylon magazine so I made a playlist with other bands they mentioned (see #1) and voila!--Yeasayer!  They are a super awesome band that combines pop, electronic, and god knows what to create this moody, beautiful music.  Odd Blood is the album that got me hooked and remains my favorite (though their others are delightful).  My favorites include "Madder Red" and "I Remember."

4. The Two Man Gentlemen Band
http://www.thetwogentlemen.com/
While browsing Grooveshark one day, I got to thinking about presidents named after presidents that might be out there.  One of the best I found was "William Howard Taft" by The Two Man Gentlemen Band.  Needless to say this song is genius.  The band combines old-style Americana ragtime with a love of American History, and this song is a perfect example to highlight Taft in all his beefy glory.  Some of their other songs include: "When Your Lips Are Playing My Kazoo," "Me, I Get High On Reefer," "Heavy Petting," and "Stuff Your Ballot Box."  I can't help but laugh when I listen to these songs, which prompted my mom to ask me last night "What are you watching out there?"  My reply: "Nothing, just listening to something and laughing to myself."

Oh, William Howard Taft
Had a great big smile and a great big laugh
A great big belly, great big thighs that
Slapped together when he walked by

Measured in clean at a quarter ton
Made the oval office just fit for one
Oh, you can't squeeze nothin' past
William Howard Taft

Oh, William Howard Taft
Got himself stuck in a bath
It took the Secret Service and the police to
Pry him out with a tub of grease

He had a steak dinner for the King of Spain
But nobody got a thing to eat
Because you can't sneak nothin' past
William Howard Taft

3. Kate Miller Heidke
www.katemillerheidke.com
She was opening for Steven Page when I first saw her.  Usually people show the opening act a modicum of attention but she just electrified the crowd.  Most known for "The Facebook Song," her repertoire also includes the heartfelt "Caught in the Crowd," the quirky "Can't Shake It," and the ethereal "Last Day on Earth."  After she was done, the lobby was crowded with people waiting to buy her albums and get her autograph.  Not too bad for someone that most people probably hadn't heard of it 45 minutes earlier.

2. Wanda Jackson
www.wandajackson.com
I bought the soundtrack to Rock n Rolla when Borders was going out of business for, like, $2.00 because The English Beat was on it.  Along with a killer song by The Sonics, I happened upon "Funnel of Love" by Wanda Jackson.  Eager to see what else this rockabilly mama did, I discovered a treasure trove that is her catalog and was hooked.  I love her high-pitched voice, her growl when singing something naughty, and her "women kick-ass" attitude that must have been shocking when it was released in 1956.  Other goodies include "Hot Dog! That Made Him Mad," "Riot in Cell Block No. 9," and "Fujiyama Mama."  In recent years, this gal has released other albums including The Party Ain't Over which is amazing and only goes to show that attitude and greatness does not age.

1. Shuggie Otis
shuggieotisofficial.net
Also found while reading Nylon, I instantly became addicted to Shuggie.  Made while he was in his teens in the 1970s and son of legend Johnny Otis, Shuggie is a talent that is, in my opinion, unmatched by any of his age at the time.  "Strawberry Letter 23" is what hooked me, but tracks like "Sweet Thang" and "Freedom Flight" left me searching for every Shuggie album I could get my hands on.  He recently re-released his album Inspiration Information along with his first new material in years and is playing Austin City Limits this summer.  So if you want to mellow out and have your mind blown, drop the needle on an album by this fly cat and enjoy.


You're welcome.

Top 5 Weird Presidential Facts

Our former presidents have been a lot of things: badass, wussy, handicapped, genius, and just plain nutso.  So, relax and enjoy these delightful tidbits of presidential knowledge.

5. President Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender and co-owned a saloon in Springfield, Illinois.
As if this dude needed to be cooler.

4. President Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve as a hangman. 
As the sheriff of Erie County, New York, he had the delightful pleasure of hanging two poor souls.  Way to represent Western New York, Grover.

3. Presidents Thomas Jefferson and John Adams are vandals.
While visiting Shakespeare's birthplace, Stratford-Upon-Avon, they both took knives to one of the bard's chairs in order to have a little sliver of wood as a souvenir.  Though if anyone is going to do this, it may as well be two of the greatest legal writers in American history.

2. President Ulysses Grant smoked at least 20 cigars a day.
He died of throat cancer--no lie.  Also, his name was Ulysses, which is pretty damn cool.

1. President Warren G. Harding liked to do it...in small spaces.
Apparently Warren liked to make the beast with two backs with a young girl in a White House closet.  The Secret Service even had to stop Mrs. Harding from breaking down the door once while they were in there.  Makes Bill Clinton look like a saint...almost.

Five Great Quotes from Five Great Movies

5. "High Fidelity" (1999) Starring John Cusack (Rob) and Jack Black (Barry) as record store owner and employee, respectively.
This is the movie that has provided the lovely topic of my blog: Top Fives

Rob: Just c'mon. What would it mean to you, that sentence - "I haven't seen Evil Dead II, yet"?
Barry: Well, to me it would mean you were a liar. You've seen it twice: once with Laura - Oops! - and once with me and Dick, remember? We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammunition offscreen in the 14th century.

4. "Seven Psychopaths" (2012) Starring Christopher Walken (Hans) and Sam Rockwell (Billy) as dog-nappers.

Hans: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, I believe that wholeheartedly.
Billy: No it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. How's the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left, who's still got one eye! All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush. Gandhi was wrong, it's just that nobody's got the balls to come right out and say it.

3. "Help!" (1965) Starring The Beatles (as themselves) and Victor Spinetti as Professor Foot, a mad scientist.

Professor Foot: With a ring like that I could - dare I say it? - rule the world.

2. "Lost in Austen" (2008) Starring Jemima Rooper (Amanda) and Tom Riley (Wickham) as two outsiders in Regency England.

Mr. Wickham: Miss Price, I fear that your life with Mr. Collins may be short of gaeity. If you find yourself nonplussed by the anticipated pleasures of married life, call upon me and I shall redress the deficit.
Amanda Price: Full marks for trying, George, but I wouldn't have my deficit redressed by you if you were the last man on earth.


1. "In Bruges" (2008) Starring Colin Farrel (Ray) and Brendan Gleeson (Ken) as hit men in Bruges, Belgium.

Ken: Coming up?
Ray: What's up there?
Ken: The view.
Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that down here.
Ken: Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Top 5 Places You Will Never Find Me

Have I gone missing?  Did I run away from home to become a hobo?  If so, I can assure you, I did not escape to any of these places.

1. A Hookah Bar
I revile pot in every way, shape, and form.  If want me to leave your house post haste, break that shit out and I'm gone.  Though hookah bars don't serve pot (at least not in New York), to me hookah=pot-smoking device.  Therefore, sitting on a dirty floor, on a dirty pillow, sharing a pipe with people I wouldn't even share my Pepsi with is not my idea of fun.  "But it's just flavored tobacco!," you whine?  Is that supposed to make me feel better?  I'm not going to go buy cherry cigars, so what makes you think I'm going to pay to smoke some nasty bubbling crap that supposedly tastes like it?  Leave hookah's to the caterpillars, my friend.

2. The state of Utah
Utah is the only place that would accept Joseph Smith.  Why? Because no one else flipping lived there.  Therefore, why would I want to go somewhere that New York, Missouri, and Illinois didn't want?  Answer, I wouldn't.  They scare me: period.  I'd rather go to hell than Utah.

3. A Republican convention of any kind
A room full of white dudes and deluded old people is my idea of the second circle of Hell.   I'd like to see those old people get around without their Medicaire-paid scooters or those white dudes retire without Social Security or health benefits. Then we'll see who is still at aforementioned convention.

4. A Dave Matthews Band Concert
The same rules apply here as in #1.  I hate pot, so I will not be hanging out with a bunch of high, dirty hippies screaming "DMB!! Wooo!!". There are two kinds of people in this world: the ones like me who can't stand Dave Matthew Band and those who love them to the point of obsession.  You've seen them with those stupid stickers on their cars and you want to rear end them just as much as I do.

5. An NRA convention
If I was given the choice between an NRA convention or watching a bear fight, I will watch bears rip each others eyes out all day (p.s. I don't condone bear-baiting).  An NRA convention is a bunch of old white dudes screaming about the Second Amendment.  Newsflash: this isn't 1776, so you don't need your musket to protect your kin against the red coats.  The Constitution has been adapted, has evolved, and has been adjusted to fit our changing society and the Second Amendment doesn't get to be exempt from that.


You can agree or not, but you've read this far.

Stephanie's Top 5 Vacation Rules

I realized a little while ago that I have rules for a lot of things.  This list encompasses my vacation rules.  You can thank me later after you've had a rockin' vacation that you won't soon forget.


1. Do not eat at a restaurant that you have back home

In my opinion, when you are on vacation--be it to Erie, PA or Athens, Greece--you need to savor the unknown.  Living in WNY, we have a distinct disadvantage in the way of chain restaurants.  We have your Applebee's, McDonald's, etc. but we lack a Golden Corral, Jack in the Box, and, much to my everlasting shame--a Sonic Drive-In.  We are also missing a ton more, but you get the point.  Maybe it's because our local food rules and we don't need to feast at Golden Corral's artery clogging trough or perhaps it's because we are loyal to the restaurants we like.  Whatever the reason, it is frustrating for those of us who are tired of choosing between McDonald's, BK, or Wendy's when we feel like some dang chicken nuggets.  Therefore, when you are out of town and your options are Burger King or Weinerschnitzel--take the leap and investigate the unknown.  You may enjoy the delights of Olive Garden, but what about that local Italian joint you just passed?  You get my drift.  You can eat Arby's whenever you dang well please, but you can't get breakfast food at 11 pm at Whataburger any time you want.

2. Vacations are not for sleeping

Unless you are taking a stay-cation, there isn't a reason why you should be sleeping-in while on vacation.  You are in a place you can't get to everyday, so get out there an enjoy it.  I will be the first one to tell you that sleeping-in is God's creation that we all should enjoy--but even I will suspend that belief while on vacation.  If you don't need a vacation after your vacation, then you haven't been traveling correctly.  It's not everyday you can ride Space Mountain or hike a sweet trail so get out there and do it, my friend.
*My thanks to Uncle Bob for this rule*

3. Sent a postcard

If you are out of town for a long enough stretch of time where a postcard could reach it's destination before your vacation is over, then send one!  Since no one actually mails letters anymore, you may as well let someone know you are at least thinking about them while on vacation.  Sub rule: don't pick one that says "Florida!" with monkey's jet skiing.  Instead, pick one with an ocean view, a local landmark, or a bizarre roadside attraction.  Everyone knows you didn't see monkeys jet skiing, but at least they will know that you were cool enough to stop by the World's Largest Ball of Twine.

4. Don't post pictures of your food

The only time this rule may be broken is if your food is totally exquisite or creatively presented.  Did you burger come on a cow-shaped bun?  Post that puppy on facebook.  Are you eating jumbalaya in New Orleans?  No one cares.

5. Buy a souvenir for yourself

You may think you will remember your whole, amazing vacation when you get home, but chances are you will remember that you threw up after a roller coaster, not how neat the old-fashioned theme of the amusement park was.  Pick up something that encapsulates your trip.  No need to stock up, but grab a magnet or a postcard (see above) to remind you of the awesome time you had--when you weren't puking into a garbage can.