So posts about my super awesome family seem to be the most popular, so I thought I would post one about last names this time. No one can forget the wonderful first names my family tree has spawned (Marmaduke, I'm talking to you), but here are some equally amazing last names. If anyone reading this has one of these last names, no ridicule is intended and comfort yourself with the fact that we may be related. Actually, that's not very comforting, but here we go...
1. Butt
Awesome for obvious reasons
2. Rideout
You gotta love last names based on verbs. I kind of want the last name Runfast so people actually thought I was a decent athlete...or maybe Smartbones, so my genius would be implied instead of demonstrated.
3. Blizzard
It seems like my family has always had a penchant for cold climates.
4. Coffin
Beautifully morbid. How can you not love this name?
5. Jollyman
Anyone who has this last name and is not a tubby little man is not taking full advantage of their last name.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Top 5 Features in My Dream House
I'm not asking for much. I don't need a huge swimming pool or a 10 car garage, just these few, relatively inexpensive features. Is this too much to ask for in a future home?
1. Mega Library
For anyone who knows me or, heck, has even met me, knows that the ultimate library is what I aspire to acquire. While the rest of the items on my list would be topping on the sundae, a mega library would make my entire life. Below are a couple examples for the future builder of my house-o-awesomeness:
2. Hidden Passageways/Doors
How killer would it be to just disappear on someone and they are all, like, "Where did they go?" Where did I go you ask? Just through one of my many hidden doors and passageways. Back in the day, one reason these were built is so the comings and goings of servants were as unobtrusive as possible. For me, it would be so I could escape an unwanted guest, murderer, rabid dog, etc. Though why these sketchy characters would be in my house in the first place is beyond me.
3. Tree House
When my sister and I were little, we had the perfect climbing tree in our backyard. Like most kids, we desperately wanted a tree house. What we got was a board up in a tree and a father saying, "Have at it." There weren't any nails to hold it in place, no railings to keep our fragile little bodies from falling to certain death, and no ladder to access it. That board lasted about four seconds. Therefore, my future abode would have a killer tree house. You can call it the fulfillment of a youthful fantasy...because that's what it is. Like my hidden passageways, I would use my tree house to escape people I would rather avoid.
4. Hedge Maze
For some reason these puppies have always signified wealth to me. Maybe it's the perfectly sculptured hedges, the servants required to prune it, or the fact that old English mansions are the only places these things tend to exist, but if I had a hedge maze, I would know that I had made it (if the massive library, hidden doors, and tree house weren't enough).
5. Home Theater
This is probably the only semi-realistic feature that my future home could have. Nothing fancy, just some recliners and a TV. But if I happened to have one of the theaters below, I would not be complaining.
What have we learned here? Apparently, I have the desire to occasionally disappear. Perhaps I can rig it so I can disappear into my library or home theater...maybe even a secret passageway to my tree house. The options are endless--so get building it for me, people!
1. Mega Library
For anyone who knows me or, heck, has even met me, knows that the ultimate library is what I aspire to acquire. While the rest of the items on my list would be topping on the sundae, a mega library would make my entire life. Below are a couple examples for the future builder of my house-o-awesomeness:
2. Hidden Passageways/Doors
How killer would it be to just disappear on someone and they are all, like, "Where did they go?" Where did I go you ask? Just through one of my many hidden doors and passageways. Back in the day, one reason these were built is so the comings and goings of servants were as unobtrusive as possible. For me, it would be so I could escape an unwanted guest, murderer, rabid dog, etc. Though why these sketchy characters would be in my house in the first place is beyond me.
3. Tree House
When my sister and I were little, we had the perfect climbing tree in our backyard. Like most kids, we desperately wanted a tree house. What we got was a board up in a tree and a father saying, "Have at it." There weren't any nails to hold it in place, no railings to keep our fragile little bodies from falling to certain death, and no ladder to access it. That board lasted about four seconds. Therefore, my future abode would have a killer tree house. You can call it the fulfillment of a youthful fantasy...because that's what it is. Like my hidden passageways, I would use my tree house to escape people I would rather avoid.
4. Hedge Maze
For some reason these puppies have always signified wealth to me. Maybe it's the perfectly sculptured hedges, the servants required to prune it, or the fact that old English mansions are the only places these things tend to exist, but if I had a hedge maze, I would know that I had made it (if the massive library, hidden doors, and tree house weren't enough).
5. Home Theater
This is probably the only semi-realistic feature that my future home could have. Nothing fancy, just some recliners and a TV. But if I happened to have one of the theaters below, I would not be complaining.
What have we learned here? Apparently, I have the desire to occasionally disappear. Perhaps I can rig it so I can disappear into my library or home theater...maybe even a secret passageway to my tree house. The options are endless--so get building it for me, people!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Top 5 Future High School Sports
I read today that Kentucky has officially made bass fishing a high school sport. The other state, oddly, is Illinois. If I were a state sport official (which is about as likely as me being able to successfully serve a volleyball) I would make the following sports available to high school students. Hey, maybe someone so volleyball-impaired as myself could even be able to join one while I was in high school. Doubtful, though, since I didn't like staying too long after school and only exerted effort in three areas: Badminton, Big Ball, and Square Dancing. Anyway, here are my genius ideas:
1.Prospecting
With education budgets being slashed in this country, get the kids to make some extra cash by sending them out into a creek with a pan and a shovel.
2. Shoe shining
The kids learn a useful, if increasingly outdated, skill. Also, the teachers can use their remarkably shiny shoes as mirrors to keep an eye on kids...or look up cheerleader's skirts. Maybe even get one of these bad boys:
3. Hopscotch
Add incredibly long courses, a complex set of rules, sudden-death elimination, and "Wipeout"-style obstacles to this childhood game and watch this innocent schoolyard activity become a violent blood orgy.
4. Rubix Cube
While it may not be 1983 anymore, put those video-control fingers to good use and exercise that brain! Instant elimination if you get caught peeling the stickers off and putting them back on. Instant win if you can do it without anyone noticing.
1.Prospecting
2. Shoe shining
3. Hopscotch
Add incredibly long courses, a complex set of rules, sudden-death elimination, and "Wipeout"-style obstacles to this childhood game and watch this innocent schoolyard activity become a violent blood orgy.
While it may not be 1983 anymore, put those video-control fingers to good use and exercise that brain! Instant elimination if you get caught peeling the stickers off and putting them back on. Instant win if you can do it without anyone noticing.
5. Phrenology
By feeling the skull of an opposing team mate, whoever can guess their mental illness first wins. Extra points for correctly identifying their mood and their criminal tendencies.
Write your senator now and petition for the addition of these fine high school sports!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Top 5 Things That Will Drive My Family Crazy
Do you want a stern reprimand? Do you want to watch someone mildly freak out? If the answer is yes to either of these, then commit one of the following five cardinal sins in front of a member of my family and prepare to be amazed. You have been warned.
1. Rock an empty rocker. Do it, I dare you. You will feel a strong hand on the chair and brisk "Don't rock an empty rocker!" We will then go about our business as if nothing untoward occurred.
2. Put a pair of shoes on a table. The dirt your shoes pick up DO NOT belong on the same surface in which you eat--fact. Some of us even take offense to socks on a table--social behavior scientists would have a field day with this.
3. Put a pair of shoes on a bed. Ditto, but replace "eat" with "sleep." For either 2 or 3, it doesn't matter if the shoes are brand new in their box--DO NOT DO IT. We will have a hernia.
4. Say that Frank Sinatra is better than Al Martino. You will receive stink-eye the size of Alaska. Say this in front of my Grandmother, and you will never have access to her magic fridge of ice cream. Future boyfriends/girlfriends take note.
5. Date a man with dirty elbows. You might as well dump them now.
Are some of these unique to the city we live in? Maybe. Are they unique to my family? Ask anyone we've ever yelled, "GAH! DON'T EVER DO THAT!" to.
1. Rock an empty rocker. Do it, I dare you. You will feel a strong hand on the chair and brisk "Don't rock an empty rocker!" We will then go about our business as if nothing untoward occurred.
2. Put a pair of shoes on a table. The dirt your shoes pick up DO NOT belong on the same surface in which you eat--fact. Some of us even take offense to socks on a table--social behavior scientists would have a field day with this.
3. Put a pair of shoes on a bed. Ditto, but replace "eat" with "sleep." For either 2 or 3, it doesn't matter if the shoes are brand new in their box--DO NOT DO IT. We will have a hernia.
4. Say that Frank Sinatra is better than Al Martino. You will receive stink-eye the size of Alaska. Say this in front of my Grandmother, and you will never have access to her magic fridge of ice cream. Future boyfriends/girlfriends take note.
5. Date a man with dirty elbows. You might as well dump them now.
Are some of these unique to the city we live in? Maybe. Are they unique to my family? Ask anyone we've ever yelled, "GAH! DON'T EVER DO THAT!" to.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Top 5 Reasons Why Old People Rule
While watching a 77 year old man rapping on America's Got Talent last night, I created last night's blog. Today is a continuation listing why geriatrics are pretty freaking awesome.
1. They can go on shows, like "America's Got Talent," have a mediocre skill, and get passed through to the next round. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD!
Case in point: Granny G
and Burton Crane
2. They have seen way more sh*t than us young folks have, so they HAVE to have awesome stories to tell. If not, they hold no purpose for me.
3. They worked in factories and have real jobs. They grew up when men were men and divorce was not an option. If you talked back to mom or dad, you got a slap on the bottom and it wasn't child abuse--it was good old fashioned discipline.
4. Old couples who are married 50+ years are the cutest people ever. Period.
5. They tend to give you cash for even minor life achievements. Lost a tooth? "Here's a quarter." Good report card? "Here's a dollar for your college fund, sonny." High school graduation? "Here's a check for $50--go wild."
In summation, old people may smell funny, may be terrible drivers, and may be cranky, but their awesomeness outweighs their stench...most of the time.
1. They can go on shows, like "America's Got Talent," have a mediocre skill, and get passed through to the next round. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD!
Case in point: Granny G
2. They have seen way more sh*t than us young folks have, so they HAVE to have awesome stories to tell. If not, they hold no purpose for me.
3. They worked in factories and have real jobs. They grew up when men were men and divorce was not an option. If you talked back to mom or dad, you got a slap on the bottom and it wasn't child abuse--it was good old fashioned discipline.
4. Old couples who are married 50+ years are the cutest people ever. Period.
5. They tend to give you cash for even minor life achievements. Lost a tooth? "Here's a quarter." Good report card? "Here's a dollar for your college fund, sonny." High school graduation? "Here's a check for $50--go wild."
In summation, old people may smell funny, may be terrible drivers, and may be cranky, but their awesomeness outweighs their stench...most of the time.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Top 5 Reasons Why I Can't Wait to Be Old
1. Since I could realistically die any day, I would pretty much say whatever I wanted.
2. Two words: cane knife
3. My excuse for any mistake or indiscretion would be "I'm old."
4. I will have 5000 records I can sell to pay for my respirator.
5. On a serious note, I can go to college for free.
Next up: why old people rule
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Five Famous People in my Family Tree
Anyone who knows that I've been researching my family tree knows that we have royalty in our blood, but here are five people that you may never have heard of:
1. Charles Coffin Jewett
Relation: 5th cousin 6x removed
Claim to fame: Librarian and Assistant Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution in 1848 before becoming Superintendent of the Boston Public Library in 1858.
Interesting fact: Charles Jewett died after suffering an attack of apoplexy while working at his desk in the Boston Public Library.
2. Josiah Little Pickard
Relation: 2nd cousin 5x removed
Claim to fame: 6th president of the University of Iowa, 1878-1887.
Interesting fact: Josiah Pickard was also the superintendent of the Chicago public school system from 1864-1878.
3. Otto IV, Holy Roman Emperor
Relation: 1st cousin 25x removed
Claim to fame: He was the Holy Roman Emperor, King of the Romans, King of Italy, King of Burgundy
Interesting fact: Was excommunicated in 1215.
4. Cecily Neville
Relation: 17th great grandmother
Claim to fame: Wife of Richard Plantagenet (2rd Duke of York) and mother of two English kings: Edward IV and Richard III
Interesting fact: Not only was she the mother of two English kings, she was the mother of several other important figures including the Duke of Clarence, Earl of Rutland, Duchess of Burgundy, and the Duchess of Suffolk. Her great grandson was Henry VIII and was the great-great-great grand aunt of Catherine Parr (Henry VIII's sixth wife). That's a lot of famous progeny.
5. Béla of Hungary
Relation: 28th great grandfather
Claim to fame: King of Hunary
Interesting fact: Béla was blinded by his uncle.
1. Charles Coffin Jewett
Relation: 5th cousin 6x removed
Claim to fame: Librarian and Assistant Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution in 1848 before becoming Superintendent of the Boston Public Library in 1858.
Interesting fact: Charles Jewett died after suffering an attack of apoplexy while working at his desk in the Boston Public Library.
2. Josiah Little Pickard
Relation: 2nd cousin 5x removed
Claim to fame: 6th president of the University of Iowa, 1878-1887.
Interesting fact: Josiah Pickard was also the superintendent of the Chicago public school system from 1864-1878.
3. Otto IV, Holy Roman Emperor
Relation: 1st cousin 25x removed
Claim to fame: He was the Holy Roman Emperor, King of the Romans, King of Italy, King of Burgundy
Interesting fact: Was excommunicated in 1215.
4. Cecily Neville
Relation: 17th great grandmother
Claim to fame: Wife of Richard Plantagenet (2rd Duke of York) and mother of two English kings: Edward IV and Richard III
Interesting fact: Not only was she the mother of two English kings, she was the mother of several other important figures including the Duke of Clarence, Earl of Rutland, Duchess of Burgundy, and the Duchess of Suffolk. Her great grandson was Henry VIII and was the great-great-great grand aunt of Catherine Parr (Henry VIII's sixth wife). That's a lot of famous progeny.
5. Béla of Hungary
Relation: 28th great grandfather
Claim to fame: King of Hunary
Interesting fact: Béla was blinded by his uncle.
Top 5 Backgrounds On My Phone
Because I think they are pretty awesome. They aren't in any order, but gangsta Batman might be the best ever.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Top 5 Awesome Names I've Found in My Family Tree
Since I started researching my family tree, I've found some pretty awesome (and famous) people. Sometimes the most memorable thing about someone is their sweet ye olde fashioned name. There are way more than five, so this may be an ongoing list but below are five of my favorites:
1. Mehitable--meaning: "God rejoices"
Number of Mehitables in my tree: 23. Who the heck would want this name? Aside from 23 of my ancestors...
Nearest relation: 7th great grandmother
2. Delight--meaning "source of joy" or...um..."delight" (duh)
Number of Delights in my tree: 3 (though we are all quite delightful)
Nearest relation: 4th cousin 2x removed
3. Exercise--meaning unknown--since no baby-names sites list this name (and for good reason)
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 3rd cousin 8x removed
4. Marmaduke--meaning "Follower of St. Maedoc" (whoever that is)
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 13th great grandfather
5. Philomelia--meaning unknown, but Philomelia was a princess of Athens who was raped and had her tongue cut out by her brother-in-law--NICCCCCCCCCE
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 2nd cousin 6x removed
Lesson to be learned: Every era has named their kids something wacky--just ask Delight...or good old Marmaduke.
Top 5 Things I Should Be Doing Right Now
1. Sleeping
2. On a plane to Europe
3. Watching a meteorite shower
4. Partying with Andres in Paris
5. Sleeping (because it's really what I should be doing)
2. On a plane to Europe
3. Watching a meteorite shower
4. Partying with Andres in Paris
5. Sleeping (because it's really what I should be doing)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Top 5 Proverbs I'm Bringing Back
Wikipedia lists proverbial phrases--most of which I know. The following are new to me/outdated and I'M BRINGING THEM BACK! Huzzah!
1. Do not spoil the ship for a ha'pworth of tar. I love the pirate-speak of this one, matey. I'm going to use it next time I'm ordering at a restaurant. "I will take a ha'pworth of Pepsi, please....aargh!"
2. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. I already know that if you pay for 'Twilight,' you get horny pre-teens (and their moms)...same concept?
3. Caesar's wife is above suspicion. Aren't families the first people questioned when there's a knife in your husband's back?
4. A poor workman always blames his tools. Ahem...Dad...
5. A drowning man will clutch at a straw. Which is why he will drown, because he should have grabbed a life jacket.
1. Do not spoil the ship for a ha'pworth of tar. I love the pirate-speak of this one, matey. I'm going to use it next time I'm ordering at a restaurant. "I will take a ha'pworth of Pepsi, please....aargh!"
2. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. I already know that if you pay for 'Twilight,' you get horny pre-teens (and their moms)...same concept?
3. Caesar's wife is above suspicion. Aren't families the first people questioned when there's a knife in your husband's back?
4. A poor workman always blames his tools. Ahem...Dad...
5. A drowning man will clutch at a straw. Which is why he will drown, because he should have grabbed a life jacket.
Top 5 Stars I Want to See Get Addicted to Crack
1. Justin Bieber
Is he a gangster? The boy next door? What's with the tattoos? I just don't get him. And anyone that has a nickname like "Biebs" or calls their followers "Beliebers," deserved a shift kick in his saggy pants. Take the quote below, compliments of the Biebs:
Deep stuff from Justin...I'm glad it takes a fan giving up for him to respond--and with such an inspirational message, to boot. Here's my advise to Justin, stop making music and become a motivational speaker. People will just, like, totally be inspired by your words of, like, wisdom, you know?
2. Miley Cyrus
She's already half way there. Have you seen a picture of her lately? She looks like the target audience of her father's music--a redneck, dirty, beer-swilling, high school dropout. She should just take the logical next step from marijuana to cocaine and her life will go the way of many a child-star--washed up and in rehab before age 25. Plus, if your dad was Billy Ray, wouldn't you get addicted to some hard drugs? I would...or live on a commune and tell people my dad is an accountant. Let's end this with a quote by this lovely, intelligent lady...take it away Miley:
3. Kristen Stewart
She already looks the part. She chain-smokes like a 70 year old woman at bingo, dresses like a bag lady, and talks like she just emerged from an opium-induced haze. I can't stand her movies and now I know why--she doesn't want to make them for people like me (or anyone else, for that matter):
"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either."
4. Robert Pattinson
Same arguments as for his beloved--chain-smoking, homeless, anemic-looking boy straight out of a Charles Dickens novel (if Charles Dickens were a 12 year old girl). He even has the street-rat mentality to physical hygiene:
"I really don't see the point in washing you hair."
And I don't see the point in continuing my argument.
5. Taylor Swift
She sings about being the lonely girl next door, but she's done pretty much every guy in Hollywood under the age of 35. This hypocrite-next-door should just pick a side--and I vote for the one where she's in Celebrity Rehab by 2015.
"I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it."
I didn't know the girl next door sleeps with a ton of guys and then writes lame songs about how they broke your heart. Last I checked, this "home girl" wasn't short on male attention. Stop sobbing about your relationship troubles and write a song with some emotional integrity. You might actually send a message to your tween listeners that they can actually use--just ask Justin Bieber about what inspires fans. It will change their life, you know?
Is he a gangster? The boy next door? What's with the tattoos? I just don't get him. And anyone that has a nickname like "Biebs" or calls their followers "Beliebers," deserved a shift kick in his saggy pants. Take the quote below, compliments of the Biebs:
"People write to me and say, 'I'm giving up, you're not talking to me.' I just write them a simple message like, 'Never give up', you know? And it changes their life."
Deep stuff from Justin...I'm glad it takes a fan giving up for him to respond--and with such an inspirational message, to boot. Here's my advise to Justin, stop making music and become a motivational speaker. People will just, like, totally be inspired by your words of, like, wisdom, you know?
2. Miley Cyrus
She's already half way there. Have you seen a picture of her lately? She looks like the target audience of her father's music--a redneck, dirty, beer-swilling, high school dropout. She should just take the logical next step from marijuana to cocaine and her life will go the way of many a child-star--washed up and in rehab before age 25. Plus, if your dad was Billy Ray, wouldn't you get addicted to some hard drugs? I would...or live on a commune and tell people my dad is an accountant. Let's end this with a quote by this lovely, intelligent lady...take it away Miley:
"I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you're trying to do. It's all a mind game and what not."
3. Kristen Stewart
She already looks the part. She chain-smokes like a 70 year old woman at bingo, dresses like a bag lady, and talks like she just emerged from an opium-induced haze. I can't stand her movies and now I know why--she doesn't want to make them for people like me (or anyone else, for that matter):
"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either."
4. Robert Pattinson
Same arguments as for his beloved--chain-smoking, homeless, anemic-looking boy straight out of a Charles Dickens novel (if Charles Dickens were a 12 year old girl). He even has the street-rat mentality to physical hygiene:
"I really don't see the point in washing you hair."
And I don't see the point in continuing my argument.
5. Taylor Swift
She sings about being the lonely girl next door, but she's done pretty much every guy in Hollywood under the age of 35. This hypocrite-next-door should just pick a side--and I vote for the one where she's in Celebrity Rehab by 2015.
"I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it."
I didn't know the girl next door sleeps with a ton of guys and then writes lame songs about how they broke your heart. Last I checked, this "home girl" wasn't short on male attention. Stop sobbing about your relationship troubles and write a song with some emotional integrity. You might actually send a message to your tween listeners that they can actually use--just ask Justin Bieber about what inspires fans. It will change their life, you know?
Monday, May 14, 2012
El Primero Posting
So, it's my first posting. At the suggestion of the handsome Andres, people may want to read what I have to say. I tend to think maybe not, but we shall see. In the spirit of the best movie ever created, "High Fidelity," I plan to feature unique top five lists in a variety of categories. Here are top 5 lists you will NOT see on Miss Molnarium's Wonder Emporium:
1. Top 5 Cat Breeds
2. Top 5 Reasons Why Twilight Rules
3. Top 5 Movies Starring Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Be Awesome at Your Job
5. Top 5 Reasons Why "Family Guy" is Super Original
What you may find, however, are the following:
1. Top 5 Ways to Avoid Cats at All Costs
2. Top 5 Things to Do to Your Copy of "Twilight"
3. Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Be a Better Movie Star than Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Slack Off at Your Job (but still look busy)
5. Top 5 Ways that "Family Guy" is a total rip off of "South Park" (the greatest show ever created)
To avoid an ENTIRE post of only top five's I will sign off for now.
1. Top 5 Cat Breeds
2. Top 5 Reasons Why Twilight Rules
3. Top 5 Movies Starring Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Be Awesome at Your Job
5. Top 5 Reasons Why "Family Guy" is Super Original
What you may find, however, are the following:
1. Top 5 Ways to Avoid Cats at All Costs
2. Top 5 Things to Do to Your Copy of "Twilight"
3. Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Be a Better Movie Star than Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Slack Off at Your Job (but still look busy)
5. Top 5 Ways that "Family Guy" is a total rip off of "South Park" (the greatest show ever created)
To avoid an ENTIRE post of only top five's I will sign off for now.
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