Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs

Let's face it--there are a lot of bad Christmas songs out there.  Restraining myself to five is no easy task.  While I love the holidays, every year pop culture tends to bring more annoying-ness into the mix.  Leaving aside the terribly sappy Lifetime/Hallmark movies and the Bob Rivers novelty songs, there is a lot of Christmas crap.  Therefore, let us separate the sheep from the goats...

1. "Baby It's Cold Outside"--performed by various artists, most notably Bing Crosby & Doris Day

I'm not going to lie, I don't totally hate this song and still enjoy it from time to time.  At one point it may have been one of my favorite AND THEN I LISTENED TO THE WORDS.  I now affectionately refer to this piece as "The Christmas Date-Rape Song."  Wikipedia says that when this song was composed, the two parts were to be sung  "between two people, marked as 'mouse' and 'wolf.'"  You can claim this song was written in a more innocent time, but even the composer knew that what we are dealing with here is a good old-fashioned sexual harassment.  Let's take a look at some of the more lovely lyrics, shall we (with comments by me in italics)?

Wolf: Beautiful what's your hurry? (you're a creep--that's my hurry)
Mouse: My father will be pacing the floor, so really I better scurry...well maybe just a half a drink more (I'm trying to be polite but really I want to get the hell out of here)
Wolf: Put some records on while I pour. (How about "Go to Hell" by Alice Cooper or perhaps "Creep" by Radiohead)
Mouse: The neighbors might think (that I'm being kidnapped because I'm going to scream any minute)
Wolf: Baby it's bad out there (It's worse in here)
Mouse: Say.. what's in this drink? (Hint: Ecstasy)
Wolf: Your eyes are like starlight now (That's the drugs kicking in--get off)
Mouse: I ought to say no, no, no sir (But I can't because I've been slipped something)
Wolf: Mind if move in closer? (Yes)
Mouse: At least I'm gonna say that I tried (*Here is where she gives into her fate and lets it happen, because this was written in 1944 and no one was going to believe this girl was raped--she was "asking for it," after all*)
Mouse: The answer is no (No means no--even in WWII America)
Mouse: Say lend me a coat? You've really been grand. (Thanks for stealing my coat asshole...and for raping me...it was "grand" but now I'm getting the hell out of here)
Wolf: How can you do this to me? (Because you've used a snowstorm to your nefarious purposes, that's why)
Wolf: If you caught pneumonia and died! (You'd love that, because then you won't have to smash my skull in so I won't talk--I will just die of "natural causes" out in the snow WITHOUT MY COAT)

2. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney

This is Paul at his cheese-ball worst.  "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime" is repeated no less than 14 times, and I'm sure Paul would have crammed more in there if he could.  Aside from the refrain, this song has about 10 different words.  It's inane and lame and annoying and I hate it.

3. "Do They No It's Christmas?" by Band Aid

No they don't because they live in Africa and are probably Muslim or something.  Therefore, THEY DON'T CARE IF IT'S CHRISTMAS!  That's like them singing "Do they know it's Ramadan?"  No, we don't know when Ramadan is and I doubt anyone in Band Aid cares.  Western-centric, pompous American bull crap.

4. "My Favorite Things" by Julie Andrews

THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG.  THE MENTION OF SNOWFLAKES AND STRUDEL DOES NOT MAKE THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG.  STOP REFERRING TO IT AS ONE.

5. "Step Into Christmas" by Elton John

First of all, how does one "step into Christmas?" Secondly, how lame is it that he kicks off this jam with "Welcome to my Christmas song"?  Well, thank you, Elton--I didn't know this was a Christmas song.  It's not like it was in the title or anything.  And while the admission to Christmas might be free, your concerts still cost $300+ to attend.  No wonder he's one happy little elf.

Top 5 Inventions in Which Their Inventors Deserve Every Penny They Make

Some inventions are pointless (pet rock, I'm talking about you), some are handy but we could live without them (ahem, Snuggie),and some were so revolutionary they have changed the world as we know it (the Internet, etc.)  But there are some that are so completely awesome (and necessary) that whoever invented them deserves every penny they make.  I don't care if they have 12 houses around the world and sleep in a 24 carat gold bed--they flippin' deserve it.  While there are many such inventions on my list, here are five that immediately come to mind:

1. Band-Aids
Before the Band-Aid was invented, do you know what we used to cover our boo boos?  PLASTER.  Oh yeah.  The same stuff we now use to patch holes in walls was lovingly wrapped around our finger to stem the flow of flood.  I can't imagine much air got in there and it probably smelled nasty.  How many times have you needed a Band-Aid and one couldn't be found?  So there you are, stuck somewhere with a bloody knuckle, knee, etc. and are dying for one.  You can thank whoever invented this awesome thing because without it, our cuts would be covered with a lot less sterility.


2. Staple Remover
I add this to the list because I literally just used one.  Ever had to remove a staple without one?  It kills your nails and can take forever if you are working with a thick stack of papers or an industrial-strength staple.  Trust me, every office should have one.

3. Post-Its
Paperclips work when you want to temporarily attach one paper to another, but they fail to exude the urgency that a Post-It Note does.  Also, you can't paperclip a note to the bathroom mirror to remind yourself to run to the pharmacy after work.  They can stick anywhere (if you buy the real Post-Its and not the knockoff brands) and they have a ton of cool colors.  Like I said earlier, they declare a sense of urgency or need of attention that a plain white piece of paper doesn't.  What says "LOOK AT ME!" like a bright pink piece of paper...possibly shaped like a butterfly?

4. Anti-bacterial Hand Gel
Kills germs=genius.  Only downside I know of is super germs can develop because they become accustomed to the hand gel...I don't know...I just know that it's awesome and smells yummy.

5. Buttons
Before zippers and Velcro, there were buttons.  I have no idea how long ago they were invented, but without them we would be holding our pants up with rope like the Beverly Hillbillies.

My Tireless Pursuit to Rid the World of Inanity

While God wasn't looking, certain people decided to spread the evil word and get us humans hooked on terrible, terrible works of "literature."  Back in the 19th century, ladies were addicted to the Gothic romance novel.  They read about the pursuit of love, even if it meant fighting demons, searching a haunted house, or, even better, adventures on the foggy moors of England.  Women (and some men) loved these books, while their elders believed that they caused the girls to be "flippant" or "silly."  Parents wouldn't let their daughters read them in the fear that it would "excite their womb" (I'm not kidding).  Though, they still got their hands on them, they had to do it on the sly, lest Daddy find out.  Now, girls proudly strut into a bookstore and load up on all kinds of mindless garbage.  Some organizations out there may protest that they are corrupting the minds of our youth, but instead of curbing the enthusiasm, it just seems to add fuel to the fire.
I am talking, of course,about the with the cursed, inane, and absolutely tragic examples of female-centric literature.  Keep in mind, this is the same group of people that read Gothic romances 200 years ago.  Now instead of masked highwaymen saving the damsels in distress, we have an anemic, sparkly vampire resisting the sexual advances of a milquetoast moron.  Instead of danger around every corner of a haunted catacomb, we have a sadistic madman chaining a barely-legal to God knows what for fun.  These books seem to prove the elders of the 19th century right when they say that it "excites the womb."  I can't tell you how many people have used the aforementioned books to spice up their love life and (occasionally) get pregnant.  No joke.  The poorly written, thin-plotted, S&M novel that everyone is all gaga over has actually given some women ideas.  While my hatred for sparkly vampires will be the subject of another post, I will now discuss how a certain trilogy has heated the libidos of women of almost all ages.
I've been reading romance novels since I was about 14.  I thank my darling cousin for buying one for me as a joke from the dollar store--"Steal Me, Sweet Thief."  Hundreds of cookie-cutter romances later, and I'm still reading them.  I am in no way claiming that these are works of high literature, written by some of the greatest minds of our time, but they know they aren't winning a Pulitzer for them.  My point is, whatever is in said S&M trilogy cannot in any way, shape, or form be different from the thousands of erotic romance novels out there.  Go visit my bookshelf, I guarantee that you will find something much more titillating.  The great thing about a lot of erotica is that it doesn't try too hard to have a story line.  The one thing I have heard about this S&M novel is that there was too much sex and the story line was thin.  If this book is such a great read, shouldn't it excite your mind instead of your womb?  If you want to write an erotic novel, then just do it.  Some of the best erotica I've ever read don't have complex story lines.  The characters have issues, but they aren't important.  The books are written to excite ladies and give us a taste of sexuality without having to read "Letters to Penthouse."  There is some depraved stuff out there and if you think said S&M "masterpiece" is anything different, I have a few books to show you...and S&M is only the beginning.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND READ SOMETHING OF VALUE, LADIES.  SOMETHING LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, LITERATURE?

May As Well Get Something Out of It

If you are going to sit in a chair, similar to one found in your elementary school nurse's office, have a hollow needle jabbed in your skin, and willingly hand over a pint of your own bodily fluids, I say you should get something out of it.
I was having the worst work day ever and the Red Cross Bloodmobile was parked outside the office.  Never having given blood because I was convinced I was a slow bleeder, I decided I would rather face my fears and get drained than sit at my desk a second longer.  Out to the portable vampire I went and was surprised to find out that it wasn't that bad.  I was even more delighted to find out that I got to inhale mounds of cookies and juice like a kindergartner at snack time.  "Take some with you!"  the nurses told me, probably not realizing that I would make off with enough mini juice cans to satisfy my sister's lust for cranberry juice for a week.  I also may have confiscated a half dozen Lorna Doone's and some raisins...
My point is, I'm giving up my time and blood, so I'm going to take advantage of what their handing out.  Once I got a free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee and another time a free oil change (which I never used, but that's beside the point).  So if your hesitant about giving blood, wait until you get a free t-shirt or an awesome coupon.  That way, it's not a total loss--bodily and monetarily.
The main reason I kept going back to the Bloodmobile while I worked at The Fortress of Doom was not because of the free cookies, however.  I got to escape for at least an hour while enjoying raisins and finding out what my blood pressure was (cheaper than the doctor!).  Sometimes I milked it longer because no manager is going to tell you that you can't go give blood--even the trolls of The Fortress weren't that cruel.  No one can say no to volunteering, it's not ethical.  It's like they are guaranteed a donkey ride to hell if they deny you.  So, the perks are as follows:
1) Get out of work (if you have a Bloodmobile)
2) Free cookies
3) Free juice
4) That pink arm bandage that shows to everyone else that you were an awesome person today and gave blood.
5) The nurses tell you to not exercise for the next few hours since you may still be weak from giving blood--don't have to tell me twice!

In essence, if you're giving something, you should get something.  Selfish?  Probably.  But I'm doing them a favor.  Also, I have two months of phone calls demanding more of my blood to look forward to.  Tit for tat, Red Cross, tit for tat.

A Literal Bar Crawl...Off a Cliff...After Beating a Dead Horse

Tonight I am embarking on what may be my first bar crawl.  I can't remember if I have ever done--officially that is.  I am now contemplating if participants in said bar crawl would have to take it literally.  Now I realize that the term "bar crawl" is a reference to imbibing too much and having to literally drag yourself to the next bar because you cannot stand upright, but what if you had to crawl form the beginning?  Not only would attendance most likely be down for such an event, but I can imagine it now...cue imagination music...

A trail of twenty-somethings crawling down Allen St.  Amid the wails of anguish over broken glass jabbing into your hands and knees, there is a chorus of "oh my godddd!!!! This dress is, like, newwwwwww and now it's, like, ruined.  What the hell?"  Drunken crawlers not looking where they're going only to headbutt a lamppost.

While participating in this debacle would  not be an option for me, it would be quite amusing to watch.

We have "Talk Like a Pirate Day" and "Opposite Day," but why not "Take Everything Literally Day?"  It can be today--September 28!  Here is a brief list of things that would have to be taken literally on "Take Everything Literally Day":

1. Go jump off a cliff.  

 Result: Death

2. "Just do whatever you think looks best, Ms. Stylist." 

 Result: Sadistic stylists giving people mullets and hot pink perms.

3. After a particularly stressful day asking, someone to "please kill me."  

 Result: Death

4. Bottomless drink specials

  Result: A wet shirt and massive tummy ache

5. It's like beating a dead horse.

 Result: A mutilated dead horse.

6. Watching commercials demanding you buy something now.  

Result: Empty bank account, overspend your credit limit, and bankruptcy (I know this picture doesn't have much to do with bankruptcy, but I think it's hilarious).

In summation, this day would cause untold financial, mortal, and mental damage but it is fun to imagine :)

My Milk-toast Mind

We all have those days when we can't get a song out of our heads but today has been one of those few days when I can't get a word out of my head.  That word is..."milk-toast."  God knows why it's in my head but it keeps popping up.  A little while ago the word was "recalcitrant," which, let's face it, is kind of an awesome word.  Other examples have been amiable, insipid, and Irondequoit (which I know is a city, but it's just so darn fun to say).  My solution for getting a particularly annoying song out of my head is to sing "The Banana Boat Song" instead, but I have yet to find a remedy for eradicating a word out of my noggin. That reminds me, "eradicate" gets stuck in my head too.  Any suggestions?  Does anyone else have this problem?
The only reason I can think why this happens is because I read an inordinate amount of books.  Notice the words "mouse" or "chew" don't get stuck in my head--it's the SAT words that stick.  I'm not going to be modest, my vocabulary is quite expansive, but could this be the reason why these multi-syllabic words get stuck and don't leave?  I may never know, but at least I can sing "The Banana Boat Song" in a last-ditch attempt to erase my milk-toast mind of all crazy words...

Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me bananas,
Daylight come and me want to go home!

Top 5 Activities More Exciting Than Work Training

While I haven't done any of the below activities, I'm convinced they HAVE to be more exciting (and productive) than training on new systems for your job.

1. Arm wrestling an elephant

2. Shoveling dog poo

3. Cleaining a toilet with a toothbrush

4. 1000 jumping jacks

5. Watch billiards for 24 hours straight

The one activity that does not beat sitting through training is sitting through a 'Twilight' movie.

Top 5 Justifiable Disney Lawsuits

So we all know that Disney is an evil corporation bent on sucking your soul from your body.  Well, maybe not your soul, but definitely your money.  We all know this, yet we keep going to their theme parks.  DANG THEM and their awesome parks!  Anyway, here are five Disney lawsuits that were justifiably filed against La Disney.

1. After a visitor was trapped on "It's a Small World" for 40 minutes, they began legal proceedings against Disney.

2. A visitor rode Tower of Terror 50 times in one day and Disney decided to ban her.  Apparently this visitor had done it more than once and Disney did NOT want their guests to have too much fun.

3. After a Sikh employee was not allowed to wear their turban, he sued Disney for racial prejudice.

4. After their child fell off a Disney moat ride, their parents sued Disney for $1.5 million over safety measures.

5. After a Monorail crash in 2009 led to the death of her son, the mother sued Disney for wrongful death.

Top 5 Songs About the Ft. Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce

#1-5. "The Ft. Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce" by Elvis Presley

CLASSIC

(and by "classic" I mean "excessively lame")

Top 5 Backgrounds on My Phone Part 2

Because just one list wasn't enough.

Two words: Jedi Jesus

Top 5 Models I Don't Care to See Anymore

These models are there, staring me in the face, every time I find myself at my place of employment.  It has gotten to the point where my lip literally curls when I see them.  Enjoy...but please don't or you will be subject to a lip curl.

5. Worst haircut award

Whoever let this girl out of the house looking like this should be fired because it looks like a 4 year old cut her hair.  It's either that or she got gum stuck in it right before the shoot and they had to hack it out.  No other explanation is valid for a haircut this terrible.

4. Most likely to win a staring contest award

Do not challenge her to a staring contest--I have and have lost EVERY TIME.  When she's not staring into your soul, she's busy looking intimidating while trying to sell gym clothes.  My suggestion is to just admit defeat and buy whatever she is selling.


3. Best fake pose award

I call them the "Fake Pose Trio" because more staged poses I cannot conceive.  Every time I'm forced to look at this, I find all kinds of wrong with their body language and shudder at the fact that someone thought these poses were good enough to run a GIANT AD of them.

2. Princess of sweat award

She's a little too dewy for my liking. Dewy-ness aside, it looks like she would go as a cat every year for Halloween.  I don't know why but I find it easy to imagine her with whiskers and cat ears.

1. She will kill you award

Her look of disgust suggests that only a dumb-ass would not buy what she is selling.  Ergo, buy whatever it is she's hawking or she WILL kill you--and she won't be merciful.

Top 5 Cities in the U.S. with Television Names

In the ongoing saga of weird and wonderful U.S. city names, this post's theme is: TELEVISION!  Whether or not these cities were named before the television show was on the air, they are now forever associated with pop culture.  They can gripe about their names or they can cash in--my advise is the latter.


1.  Bonanza, Oregon

Population: 415 (as of 2010)
While the population of this city may make it sound lame, it's wikipedia page actually sounds like the opposite. The median age of Bonanza residents is 31--while the median age of people who still watch the show "Bonanza" is 67.  Also, the city is nowhere near where the show took place, as you can see by the BONANZA opening title above.


2. Matlock, Washington

Population: Sporadically populated by loggers
While Matlock, Washington is just an "unincorporated community," the actual television show "Matlock" is well incorporated into the hearts and minds of geriatrics everywhere.  It makes me wonder why more people don't live there.  You'd think some old dude puttering along in his Oldsmobile would see a sign for Matlock, Washington and immediately go into hyper mode and gun it all the way there.  Unfortunately all the old coot would see is lakes and some loggers.  There is however, the Old Timer's Fair in May--the city name has spoken!  Old people of the world unite!


3. Twin Peaks, California

Population: Unknown--they were all trapped in snow globes and couldn't take the census.
Their motto should be: Twin Peaks, California: Where Everything is Just a Dream


4. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

It's a bird!  It's a plane! No!  It's Superman on "Truth or Consequences"!

Population: 7,289 (as of 2000)
This town sounds like it should still be stuck in the radio days and everything is in black and white--a little like Pleasantville.  Their crime rate is non-existent, everyone says "golly gee," and the town is 99.5% white (except for the guy that pumps your gas or buses your table).


5. Becker, Minnesota

Population: 4,538 (as of 2010).
The city is populated with cranky doctors and sassy, female diner owners.  "Little people" are bad luck there as the cranky doctors find them bad luck: "All midgets are bad luck, whenever I see one, something bad happens to me." Watch out for sex addicts named "Bob"--they may lure you in with their good cooking, but there is danger lurking underneath.  Other than that, you should have no problem making friends, as blind African Americans and helpful nurses are there to lend an ear to your sorrows.



Top 5 U.S. Cities Named After Animals

So this list started out as a list of weird city names, but I quickly discovered that it's impossible to choose just five since there are literally hundreds of messed up names.  Therefore, here are U.S. cities named after God's creatures.

1. Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Location: Center of the state, east of Raleigh

Population: unknown

Fun fact:  In March 1998, the small town received publicity when Nintendo first released the Nintendo 64 game, "Yoshi's Story" there, with the name of the host town reflecting the Nintendo character Yoshi's ability to extend his tongue over a long distance.

 

2. Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky

 Location: Far northwest point of Kentucky

Population: unknown

Fun Fact: It is considered the north-westernmost point of the Jackson Purchase.

 

3. Hungry Horse, Montana

  Location: Northwest corner of the state
Population: 934 (as of 2000)
Fun Fact: Huckleberries are a big business in Hungry Horse, Montana.

4. Toad Suck, Arkansas

 Location: Middle of the state on the Arkansas River
Population: unknown
Fun Fact: The Home of Toad Suck Daze, an annual community music, arts, and food festival.

5. Deadhorse, Alaska

Location: North Slope of Alaska near the Arctic Ocean.
Population: 25-50 people
Fun fact: Featured on seasons 3 and 4 of History Channel's "Ice Road Truckers"


*most information found on en.wikipedia.org*

Top 5 Ways I'm Discriminated Against for Being "Young"

First of all, people, just because I am under 30, does not mean that I am an imbecile.  As a lady does not reveal her age (and those who know me already know it), I am not a teenager spouting angst against society.  I am simply voicing (or typing) my opinions as I see them.  I am not alone in my opinions, so comment below if you agree!  Psst...family and friends...my birthday is coming up...presents...psst...

1. Assuming I don't know what life without modern technology is. 

Believe it or not, I have used the items below and know how they work.
--A rotary phone
--A television with a tube/TV that sits on the floor
--A TV without a remote
--A record player
--A typewriter
--A phone with a really long cord

2. Assuming I was born with a cell phone in my hand.

When I was in high school no one had cell phones.  I repeat, NO ONE.  I haven't had a cell phone strapped to my hip since inception.  I only got a cell phone because I was living away from home and needed a means of communication.  I didn't even want one!

3. Talking to me like I am an idiot.

Just because I am 20 years younger than you, does not give you the right to talk down to me.  I have a brain, a college degree, and some common sense.  Instead of talking to me as you would a 10 year old child, treat me as an equal and we will get along better.

4. I am not addicted to video games.

My spare time is not spent playing Halo, Mario Kart, or Guitar Hero.  Others my age may spend their free time in this manner, but I prefer to read.  Therefore, my mind is not mush and I have a lot to offer to a conversation.

5. I have used a card catalog--and still know how to use one.

Most of my early school years were spent using a card catalog to find books.  While the computer was a welcome innovation in library science, I have researched "the old fashioned way" and still prefer to do so.


So, what have we learned here?  Just because a person is younger than you, does not mean they were born into technological privilege and do not appreciate the technology of the past.  It means that we know the way things were, how they are now, and are looking forward to what comes next.

Top 5 Super Cool Last Names in My Family Tree

So posts about my super awesome family seem to be the most popular, so I thought I would post one about last names this time.  No one can forget the wonderful first names my family tree has spawned (Marmaduke, I'm talking to you), but here are some equally amazing last names.  If anyone reading this has one of these last names, no ridicule is intended and comfort yourself with the fact that we may be related.  Actually, that's not very comforting, but here we go...

1. Butt
     Awesome for obvious reasons

2. Rideout
    You gotta love last names based on verbs.  I kind of want the last name Runfast so people actually thought I was a decent athlete...or maybe Smartbones, so my genius would be implied instead of demonstrated.

3. Blizzard
    It seems like my family has always had a penchant for cold climates.

4. Coffin
    Beautifully morbid.  How can you not love this name?

5. Jollyman
    Anyone who has this last name and is not a tubby little man is not taking full advantage of their last name.

Top 5 Features in My Dream House

I'm not asking for much.  I don't need a huge swimming pool or a 10 car garage, just these few, relatively inexpensive features.  Is this too much to ask for in a future home?

1. Mega Library
For anyone who knows me or, heck, has even met me, knows that the ultimate library is what I aspire to acquire.  While the rest of the items on my list would be topping on the sundae, a mega library would make my entire life.  Below are a couple examples for the future builder of my house-o-awesomeness:

2. Hidden Passageways/Doors
How killer would it be to just disappear on someone and they are all, like, "Where did they go?"  Where did I go you ask?  Just through one of my many hidden doors and passageways.  Back in the day, one reason these were built is so the comings and goings of servants were as unobtrusive as possible.  For me, it would be so I could escape an unwanted guest, murderer, rabid dog, etc.  Though why these sketchy characters would be in my house in the first place is beyond me.

3. Tree House
When my sister and I were little, we had the perfect climbing tree in our backyard.  Like most kids, we desperately wanted a tree house.  What we got was a board up in a tree and a father saying, "Have at it."  There weren't any nails to hold it in place, no railings to keep our fragile little bodies from falling to certain death, and no ladder to access it.  That board lasted about four seconds.  Therefore, my future abode would have a killer tree house.  You can call it the fulfillment of a youthful fantasy...because that's what it is.  Like my hidden passageways, I would use my tree house to escape people I would rather avoid.

4. Hedge Maze
For some reason these puppies have always signified wealth to me.  Maybe it's the perfectly sculptured hedges, the servants required to prune it, or the fact that old English mansions are the only places these things tend to exist, but if I had a hedge maze, I would know that I had made it (if the massive library, hidden doors, and tree house weren't enough).

5. Home Theater
This is probably the only semi-realistic feature that my future home could have.  Nothing fancy, just some recliners and a TV.  But if I happened to have one of the theaters below, I would not be complaining.

What have we learned here?  Apparently, I have the desire to occasionally disappear.  Perhaps I can rig it so I can disappear into my library or home theater...maybe even a secret passageway to my tree house.  The options are endless--so get building it for me, people!

Top 5 Future High School Sports

I read today that Kentucky has officially made bass fishing a high school sport.  The other state, oddly, is Illinois.  If I were a state sport official (which is about as likely as me being able to successfully serve a volleyball) I would make the following sports available to high school students.  Hey, maybe someone so volleyball-impaired as myself could even be able to join one while I was in high school.  Doubtful, though, since I didn't like staying too long after school and only exerted effort in three areas: Badminton, Big Ball, and Square Dancing. Anyway, here are my genius ideas:

1.Prospecting

With education budgets being slashed in this country, get the kids to make some extra cash by sending them out into a creek with a pan and a shovel.

2. Shoe shining

The kids learn a useful, if increasingly outdated, skill.  Also, the teachers can use their remarkably shiny shoes as mirrors to keep an eye on kids...or look up cheerleader's skirts. Maybe even get one of these bad boys:

3. Hopscotch
Add incredibly long courses, a complex set of rules, sudden-death elimination, and "Wipeout"-style obstacles to this childhood game and watch this innocent schoolyard activity become a violent blood orgy.

4. Rubix Cube
While it may not be 1983 anymore, put those video-control fingers to good use and exercise that brain! Instant elimination if you get caught peeling the stickers off and putting them back on. Instant win if you can do it without anyone noticing.

 

 5.  Phrenology

By feeling the skull of an opposing team mate, whoever can guess their mental illness first wins.  Extra points for correctly identifying their mood and their criminal tendencies.

Write your senator now and petition for the addition of these fine high school sports!

Top 5 Things That Will Drive My Family Crazy

Do you want a stern reprimand?  Do you want to watch someone mildly freak out?  If the answer is yes to either of these, then commit one of the following five cardinal sins in front of a member of my family and prepare to be amazed.  You have been warned.

1. Rock an empty rocker.  Do it, I dare you.  You will feel a strong hand on the chair and brisk "Don't rock an empty rocker!"  We will then go about our business as if nothing untoward occurred.

2. Put a pair of shoes on a table.  The dirt your shoes pick up DO NOT belong on the same surface in which you eat--fact.  Some of us even take offense to socks on a table--social behavior scientists would have a field day with this.

3. Put a pair of shoes on a bed.  Ditto, but replace "eat" with "sleep."  For either 2 or 3, it doesn't matter if the shoes are brand new in their box--DO NOT DO IT.  We will have a hernia.

4. Say that Frank Sinatra is better than Al Martino.  You will receive stink-eye the size of Alaska.  Say this in front of my Grandmother, and you will never have access to her magic fridge of ice cream.  Future boyfriends/girlfriends take note.

5.  Date a man with dirty elbows.  You might as well dump them now.

Are some of these unique to the city we live in? Maybe.  Are they unique to my family? Ask anyone we've ever yelled, "GAH! DON'T EVER DO THAT!" to.

Top 5 Reasons Why Old People Rule

While watching a 77 year old man rapping on America's Got Talent last night, I created last night's blog.  Today is a continuation listing why geriatrics are pretty freaking awesome.

1. They can go on shows, like "America's Got Talent," have a mediocre skill, and get passed through to the next round.  Why?  BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD!

Case in point: Granny G

 and Burton Crane

2. They have seen way more sh*t than us young folks have, so they HAVE to have awesome stories to tell.  If not, they hold no purpose for me.

3. They worked in factories and have real jobs.  They grew up when men were men and divorce was not an option.  If you talked back to mom or dad, you got a slap on the bottom and it wasn't child abuse--it was good old fashioned discipline.

4. Old couples who are married 50+ years are the cutest people ever.  Period.

5. They tend to give you cash for even minor life achievements.  Lost a tooth? "Here's a quarter."  Good report card?  "Here's a dollar for your college fund, sonny."  High school graduation?  "Here's a check for $50--go wild."

In summation, old people may smell funny, may be terrible drivers, and may be cranky, but their awesomeness outweighs their stench...most of the time.

Top 5 Reasons Why I Can't Wait to Be Old

1. Since I could realistically die any day, I would pretty much say whatever I wanted.

2. Two words: cane knife

3. My excuse for any mistake or indiscretion would be "I'm old."

4. I will have 5000 records I can sell to pay for my respirator.

5. On a serious note, I can go to college for free.

Next up: why old people rule

Five Famous People in my Family Tree

Anyone who knows that I've been researching my family tree knows that we have royalty in our blood, but here are five people that you may never have heard of:



1. Charles Coffin Jewett
Relation: 5th cousin 6x removed
Claim to fame: Librarian and Assistant Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution in 1848 before becoming Superintendent of the Boston Public Library in 1858.
Interesting fact: Charles Jewett died after suffering an attack of apoplexy while working at his desk in the Boston Public Library.


 
2. Josiah Little Pickard
Relation: 2nd cousin 5x removed
Claim to fame: 6th president of the University of Iowa, 1878-1887.
Interesting fact: Josiah Pickard was also the superintendent of the Chicago public school system from 1864-1878.


 
3.  Otto IV, Holy Roman Emperor
Relation: 1st cousin 25x removed
Claim to fame: He was the Holy Roman Emperor, King of the Romans, King of Italy, King of Burgundy
Interesting fact: Was excommunicated in 1215.

 
 4. Cecily Neville
Relation: 17th great grandmother
Claim to fame: Wife of Richard Plantagenet (2rd Duke of York) and mother of two English kings: Edward IV and Richard III

Interesting fact: Not only was she the mother of two English kings, she was the mother of several other important figures including the Duke of Clarence, Earl of Rutland, Duchess of Burgundy, and the Duchess of Suffolk.  Her great grandson was Henry VIII and was the great-great-great grand aunt of Catherine Parr (Henry VIII's sixth wife).  That's a lot of famous progeny.

 
5. Béla of Hungary
Relation: 28th great grandfather
Claim to fame: King of Hunary
Interesting fact: Béla was blinded by his uncle.
 

Top 5 Backgrounds On My Phone

Because I think they are pretty awesome.  They aren't in any order, but gangsta Batman might be the best ever.

Top 5 Awesome Names I've Found in My Family Tree

Since I started researching my family tree, I've found some pretty awesome (and famous) people.  Sometimes the most memorable thing about someone is their sweet ye olde fashioned name.  There are way more than five, so this may be an ongoing list but below are five of my favorites:

1. Mehitable--meaning: "God rejoices"
Number of Mehitables in my tree: 23.   Who the heck would want this name?  Aside from 23 of my ancestors...
Nearest relation: 7th great grandmother

2. Delight--meaning "source of joy" or...um..."delight" (duh)
Number of Delights in my tree: 3 (though we are all quite delightful)
Nearest relation: 4th cousin 2x removed

3. Exercise--meaning unknown--since no baby-names sites list this name (and for good reason)
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 3rd cousin 8x removed

4. Marmaduke--meaning "Follower of St. Maedoc" (whoever that is)
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 13th great grandfather

5. Philomelia--meaning unknown, but Philomelia was a princess of Athens who was raped and had her tongue cut out by her brother-in-law--NICCCCCCCCCE
Number in my tree: 2
Nearest relation: 2nd cousin 6x removed

Lesson to be learned: Every era has named their kids something wacky--just ask Delight...or good old Marmaduke.

Top 5 Things I Should Be Doing Right Now

1. Sleeping
2. On a plane to Europe
3. Watching a meteorite shower
4. Partying with Andres in Paris
5. Sleeping (because it's really what I should be doing)

Top 5 Proverbs I'm Bringing Back

Wikipedia lists proverbial phrases--most of which I know.  The following are new to me/outdated and I'M BRINGING THEM BACK! Huzzah!

1. Do not spoil the ship for a ha'pworth of tar.  I love the pirate-speak of this one, matey.  I'm going to use it next time I'm ordering at a restaurant.  "I will take a ha'pworth of Pepsi, please....aargh!"

2. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.  I already know that if you pay for 'Twilight,' you get horny pre-teens (and their moms)...same concept?

3. Caesar's wife is above suspicion.  Aren't families the first people questioned when there's a knife in your husband's back?

4. A poor workman always blames his tools.  Ahem...Dad...

5. A drowning man will clutch at a straw.  Which is why he will drown, because he should have grabbed a life jacket.

Top 5 Stars I Want to See Get Addicted to Crack

1. Justin Bieber
Is he a gangster?  The boy next door?  What's with the tattoos?  I just don't get him.  And anyone that has a nickname like "Biebs" or calls their followers "Beliebers," deserved a shift kick in his saggy pants.  Take the quote below, compliments of the Biebs:

"People write to me and say, 'I'm giving up, you're not talking to me.' I just write them a simple message like, 'Never give up', you know? And it changes their life."

Deep stuff from Justin...I'm glad it takes a fan giving up for him to respond--and with such an inspirational message, to boot.  Here's my advise to Justin, stop making music and become a motivational speaker.  People will just, like, totally be inspired by your words of, like, wisdom, you know?

2. Miley Cyrus
She's already half way there.  Have you seen a picture of her lately?  She looks like the target audience of her father's music--a redneck, dirty, beer-swilling, high school dropout.  She should just take the logical next step from marijuana to cocaine and her life will go the way of many a child-star--washed up and in rehab before age 25.  Plus, if your dad was Billy Ray, wouldn't you get addicted to some hard drugs?  I would...or live on a commune and tell people my dad is an accountant.  Let's end this with a quote by this lovely, intelligent lady...take it away Miley:

"I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think.  You know, I understand what you're trying to do.  It's all a mind game and what not."

3. Kristen Stewart
She already looks the part.  She chain-smokes like a 70 year old woman at bingo, dresses like a bag lady, and talks like she just emerged from an opium-induced haze.  I can't stand her movies and now I know why--she doesn't want to make them for people like me (or anyone else, for that matter):
"I don't want to make movies for kids, and I don't want to make movies for adults either."

4. Robert Pattinson
Same arguments as for his beloved--chain-smoking, homeless, anemic-looking boy straight out of a Charles Dickens novel (if Charles Dickens were a 12 year old girl).  He even has the street-rat mentality to physical hygiene:
"I really don't see the point in washing you hair."

And I don't see the point in continuing my argument.

5. Taylor Swift
She sings about being the lonely girl next door, but she's done pretty much every guy in Hollywood under the age of 35.  This hypocrite-next-door should just pick a side--and I vote for the one where she's in Celebrity Rehab by 2015.
"I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it."

I didn't know the girl next door sleeps with a ton of guys and then writes lame songs about how they broke your heart.  Last I checked, this "home girl" wasn't short on male attention.  Stop sobbing about your relationship troubles and write a song with some emotional integrity.  You might actually send a message to your tween listeners that they can actually use--just ask Justin Bieber about what inspires fans.  It will change their life, you know?

El Primero Posting

So, it's my first posting.  At the suggestion of the handsome Andres, people may want to read what I have to say.  I tend to think maybe not, but we shall see.  In the spirit of the best movie ever created, "High Fidelity," I plan to feature unique top five lists in a variety of categories.  Here are top 5 lists you will NOT see on Miss Molnarium's Wonder Emporium:
1. Top 5 Cat Breeds
2. Top 5 Reasons Why Twilight Rules
3. Top 5 Movies Starring Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Be Awesome at Your Job
5. Top 5 Reasons Why "Family Guy" is Super Original

What you may find, however, are the following:

1. Top 5 Ways to Avoid Cats at All Costs
2. Top 5 Things to Do to Your Copy of "Twilight"
3. Top 5 Reasons Why I Would Be a Better Movie Star than Renee Zellweger
4. Top 5 Ways to Slack Off at Your Job (but still look busy)
5. Top 5 Ways that "Family Guy" is a total rip off of "South Park" (the greatest show ever created)

To avoid an ENTIRE post of only top five's I will sign off for now.